Forced Closure.

Sometimes you can be open and understanding
And you can choose to see the best in someone when no one else will give them
a second glance.

Sometimes you choose to expose your demons just to help someone
feel okay.

Sometimes they'll let their guard down so that you
can see their demons too.

Sometimes you'll share so many moments with just one person
So many ups and downs and in-betweens.

Sometimes it will feel as if they'll be in your life
Forever.

Sometimes you will come to expect that they will continue to be there
When no one else knows the demons that haunted you  for years.

But...

Sometimes they will find something that makes their
Pensive past worth the pain.

Something that sets their soul on fire in the
Best way possible.

But it won't be you.

Some day they will be happy. So happy that it lights up your soul, as well.

But it won't be for anything you've done.

And sometimes they will no longer want you to be apart of their journey,
No matter the role you had once played before.

Your heart may ache, but there's not a damn thing you can do.


I've never been good at letting go.

Blank.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't know where to turn.

Perhaps I would be better surrounded by and buried under layers of the earth.

Perhaps then flowers could grow around my slowly decaying body.

And perhaps everything would be better.

Clean.

I remember how unworthy I felt 

and how heavy the nights could be.

And today as I unpacked my last box

and dug through pieces of my past

my heart went cold.

I placed that second ring on my middle finger

and so vividly thought of the girl who used to think

her future was doomed.

Just as one of the jewels is missing 

from that second ring

so was the love from our relationship.

You used me, I kept my mouth shut.

Two and a half years later.

Two men, two rings.

Both got down on their knees,

but oh what a difference there is when

someone actually loves you

and doesn't demand the worst parts of yourself.

If I could tell my past self one thing, it is this:

Be patient and hang on. 

I swear someone is going to love you more than you could ever imagine.

And he won't demand anything of you, but gooey grilled cheese sandwiches.

(Ir)replaceable.

I was certain I had won.
I had claimed the only thing
that I knew could last a lifetime
and more.
But now it seems that my idea of forever might actually
contain a limited number of days.

Perhaps nothing does last forever.

However,
If I could go back in time
I swear I'd pick you,
and only you,
again, and again, and again.
I wouldn't dare trade you,
even if I had the chance.

I just hope you'd do the same.

 

Constantly fighting the wrong types of battles,

defending the things that brought you misery,

but sheepishly hoping that perhaps someday

you'll have the strength to
overcome all of your adversities.

 

But you are pushing away the things that have
kept you alive

because you don't know any better.

 

You are a fool in the worst way.



Heavy

 

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown.

 

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground.

Stay.

 

He leaned over and kissed me so deeply, I thought he was kissing my soul. 

"Stay here forever." 

As he kissed me harder, I couldn't tell which way was up and which was down.

I had been lifted up to a cloud that I never wanted to come down from. 

Okay, sweet boy. I'll do the best I can.

Burdens.

 

So much weight on such an small average frame.

Every single ounce seems to bring me further down.

Both mentally and physically.

 

Perhaps the number that mocks me on the scale is not the main source

of weight that is driving me mad.

Perhaps it is the fact that I have carried so much, too much,

for too long.

I am exhausted.

 

But I have survived off of the rim of shiny cans,

and the corners of his smile,

and the comfort of my bed that's always felt like home.

 

But I fear for the day that this is not enough.

I fear for the day that I am no longer enough.



Toxic.

You can tell me chivalry isn't dead until you're lungs cave in, but that won't make up for the fact that you slammed the door in my face.
Go ahead and promise me that you won't taint my mind as you victimize my body.
Yell at me and tell me that I need to shape up while you sit there constantly searching for who the hell you are underneath your bitter coating.
Swear that you understand just how deep my pain flows within my veins; I know that you don't have a damn clue.

I had never truly known pain until you used my biggest flaw against me.
Would you like to have a mind that paralyzes every single move you make?

They say that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but you knew the whole entire story and claimed you didn't judge me.
And maybe you didn't judge me, but you sure as hell knew how to rip every ounce of hope right out of my crippled and broken soul.
Frankly, I would have preferred a little bit of judgment.

You knew my games and you knew each individual crevice of my dark mind that so many others had no clue about.
You said you'd help me.
You promised to be my rock.
But you turned out to be nothing but a measly little grain of sand.
You used my foundation to build yourself up.

Never again will your filthy fingers trace the bumps and lines that run up and down my arms and legs.
Someday my soul will heal from the cruelty you put me through.

And some day my skin will be glowing and brand new.
It will be completely untouched from the toxins within your heart and mind that always crept into your filthy fingertips.
And you won't have had a damn thing to do with it.

Exhaustion.

Sometimes,

all you can do

is lie in bed,

and hope

to fall asleep

before

you fall apart.

My love.

"You know how they say that you shouldn't rely so heavily on someone 

that you can't become your own person? 

Well I can't go a day without him. 

But it's not because I can't be on my own... 

I've known what it's like to be alone, and I know exactly who I am.

It's because I like who I am so much better with him 

than who I am without him." 

Change.

I begged you tried to get you to compile your dreams into a boring box of reality and shove them far away.

That's not realistic.

I said it over and over and over until finally, your gentle voice turned cold and started to agree with me.

I never really expected you to listen to me, or heed my counsel. 

And oh how I wish you wouldn't. 

I never thought I'd hear the distress in your voice overcome the exciting emotions that have constantly stirred in your heart and danced around your chaotic mind for so many months.

And perhaps I was foolish and let myself dream too far and too quickly, just like you claimed.

And while I don't want to react in the way that a naive and theatrical school girl would, I must admit that it feels as if  there has been a distance set between the present and our future.

As if we needed anymore distance between us. I truly believe 703 miles is enough.

I have to contain these feelings in small menacing cages until we reach a more appropriate time in our lives.

Whenever that may be. 

I can't help but look at your shirts a midst my never-ending piles of laundry,

and pray that someday I'll hear the rustle of your feet in the other room

while I gently fold all of your clothes in the living room.

You'll come up behind me and gently rest your chin upon my shoulder and simply say,

"We made it, love. We finally made it." 

But for now I will simply drape your big white t-shirt over my body every night and pray that it can hold me together. 

Bones.

All I've ever wanted 

was for your damn arms 

to wrap themselves around me 

and say

you're the prettiest thing my heart has ever known.
Come and lay your bones down with me.

Love is Patient. (Right?)

"He left with my heart.

They both walked through that door 

without me."

This Loneliness Won't Last.

“I remember all too well who I was a year ago. 

I remember how splintered my bones were and how hollow my body hung around them. 

I used to think that I would remain tattered, ugly, ruined and broken forever. 

But, then I met you. 

When we’re apart my throat feels laden with all the words I wish I could spill out into you. 

Whenever I’m alone I wish we were huddled safely away under your bed sheets

 so I could drape myself around you like a heavy fog; 

causing you to crash and swerve into me at a million miles per hour. 

I often think about the night I read to you on the hardwood floor of your room, 

and miss how calm everything had felt then. 

I think I could listen to you talk for hours and never tire of what you had to say.

 And I swear I hear your laugh when the room gets silent, 

and it drives me mad to not know if it’s 

because I’m going crazy or if it’s because I’m falling in love with you. 

I really hope its the ladder of the two.”

I'm Not Going Away.

I'm going to find my way back to your side.

I swear I will. 

False hearts.

The words felt so heavy in my throat.

It's as if they didn't want to come out. 

But this is how it had to be, certainly it was meant to be.

At least that's what he told me.

I shuffled my feet and looked at the ground.

"You are so much better than him." 

The words painfully lurched out of my mouth, 

and the pit in my stomach grew larger and larger. 

"He'll never be half of the man that you are."

Lies.

My heart sunk into my toes. 

I had never heard anything so false and repulsive.

There was absolutely no sincerity behind my words.

I couldn't say anything more. 

He glanced at me with such hope, but as soon as I lifted my head and 

he looked at my eyes, his excitement slowly faded.

I tried to hide my confusion, but I couldn't. 

I thought this was how it was going to be. 

As I looked into his eyes, I was overcome with

such a strong emotion of  pure and sincere love.

I thought my heart was going to burst right out of my chest. 

It's as if the act of my lies brought about so much truth.

Truth that I had tried so hard to ignore.

But the love I felt wasn't for the boy sitting in front of me.
I wasn't in the right place at all.

I stared at the musty green table and I knew

from that moment on that I would never be the same.

I knew that we wouldn't make it through the winter.
Or even to the Thanksgiving dinner that we had talked about.

I knew that the boy I truly loved

was miles and miles away. 

Free of Me.

Well, I did it.

I broke the chains that you had wrapped so tightly around every single one my limbs.

Day by day, I finally gathered up enough strength to sever every single tie that was connected to you. 

It wasn't easy, but it was so beautifully worth it.

So now, I'm going to wear boots. 

At least twice a week. 

Maybe even to work.

I'm going to wear that black blazer you made fun of.

I'm going to go out in public in yoga pants, a t-shirt and running shoes.

I'm going to eat all of the Chinese food I want to. 

I'm going to sing Miley Cyrus until I'm blue in the face, if I feel like it. 

I'm going to tell the truth in every way possible, and will no longer lie for you.

I'm going to speak my mind on whatever I please.

I'm going to call my Mother every single day, if I feel like it. And I will feel no guilt.

I'm going to keep writing Tyson, and not hold anything back.

I'm going to study at my apartment when I want to.

I'm going to have movie nights with my roommates, and put my trust in their opinions.

I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour, because I no longer have to put off studying.

I'm going to eat when I want, and as little as I want.

I'm going to drink caffeine whenever I feel the urge. 

I'm going to wear two different shades of black in the same outfit.

I'm going to do my hair and makeup as I please, when I please.

I'm going to go running at midnight, just for the thrill of it.

But most of all, I'm going to be happy and do whatever else I please 

because I am no longer under your control.

I'm free, baby.

Frustration.

   
I never envisioned myself missing you this much. Of all people, I thought our conversations would dull with time.

 That would have been so much easier.

 It's become the opposite. With each passing day, and with every written letter, the words grow deeper; the weight of the envelope in my hands become heavier and heavier.

There's a lot I could say, but to put it simply, 

Hurry home.

Snow.

"I'm ready for snow, again."

"I fell in love with you when there was snow on the ground."