Monday, August 23, 2010

don't you dare tell me who to be.

it's amazing how one day can completely be everything you need, in just 24 hours. everything can go so horribly wrong for months on end... but never get better. and suddenly one day you find yourself finally becoming happy, and letting the pain slowly fade out of your heart and mind.

today was a day of change.
i've changed who i am, and what i want.
i've set goals that are impossible to back down from.
i've had a change of both heart and mind.
but most of all, i've learned how to let go.

for the first time in two years, i picked up my violin today. i used to play everyday. i used to be in advanced orchestra at school. i used to have private lessons from my aunt. i used to only focus on becoming a good violinist. but.. my sadness slowly overtook me, and my body. i became too tired to even practice. the hour of practicing dragged on too long, and i would often find myself in tears before it was over. it was my one reminder of achievement, and happiness. i wanted to burn it or smash it against the wall, because i had become so sad. so i put it away inside the closet upstairs... and never even looked at it for that whole time. it reminded me how happy i used to be, and how miserable i had slowly started to become. i didn't want to have to look at it everyday. it's mocked me each time i would pick it up and begin to play. the soothing melody would always bring me back to happiness, but i'd run away, in fear of the feeling of happiness and stop playing. but today i put it all behind me, and went for it. i picked up the fragile instrument and began to stroke my bow along the strings of the violin. i felt like someone had taken something comforting and peaceful, and placed it inside of the hollow chamber in my chest, where my heart should be. i was happy, and got all the reminders of my happiness when i played the violin. i thought i was crazy for ever putting it away, and i was automatically filled with a love for this instrument.
i missed it so much.

CAUTION:i love you, and miss you more than you'll ever understand.
out of all the people in this world, i hope you truly know that i care about you. maybe you don't consider multiple texts and obnoxious messages caring, when all you want me to do is go away. but i don't know how else to tell you. before it worked just fine, but you walked away from me completely, and left me for dead. no explanation or anything. no tantrums or fights. you just went and left. for a year now, i've suffered with the misery that you brought upon me. you took it and covered me with it, like a big blanket. you completely shut off any chance of happiness, and any glimpse of hope that things would change. i let that blanket of doubt, pain, regret, and stress stay around me all the time. it was constantly wrapped around my fragile and scarred body. it hid the truth that was written all over, underneath. but today that blanket is gone. the truth is staring you in the face. it has been all along. but you refuse to open your eyes and see that. you just need to shut up and accept it. grow up. seriously. you're 21 now. start acting like it. someday, you're going to end up with no one. you're going to be left to rot and wallow in misery, just like i was. you're going to trust someone with everything, and they're going to end up leaving you.
but for now... i'm letting go of you. for months i've been like a scared child clutching onto her favorite stuffed animal. i couldn't let go of a single thing. everyhing that reminded me of you almost tore me apart every single time. i didn't want to let you go, in fear that i would have nothing left. but you've taken everything from me, and left me with your pain. what have i got to loose? absolutely nothing. maybe i'll crack under the pressure and bare all your pain again... but for today i'm letting go... so goodbye, my friend. you gave me the best gift of all: memories. and for that, i owe you one. but first, you have to actually talk to me.
i love you.

for the past while, i've completely changed who i really am, and what i want out of life. i've gone from being a happy and optimistic girl, to someone not even i can recognize anymore. i've turned into a stranger. only known to few. i've let my sorrows and depression get the best of me.
i wake up each morning, wishing it was my last, and being sad that i made it through the night. i lie to everyone so they don't suspect anything's wrong. i lost a good majority of my friends. i hate myself more than i thought was humanly possible. i lower my standards more and more each day. i cut myself. i sit in my room and cry some nights, because i don't know what else to do. i mask my depression with a fake happiness that only lasts for about 3 hours. tops. i lost interest in piano and violin. i gave up on love. i realized there was no such thing as love. i thought about suicide every single minute of every single day. how to do it, and when.
i turned into the person i swore i'd never become.
so today i begin the healing process. i'm slowly stitching myself back up. i'm healing the wounds that have impacted me so badly this past year. i'm learning how to keep walking even when i don't feel like breathing. i'm switching out my pair of scissors, for my violin. i'm learning to be grateful for even the smallest of things. i'm learning to accept people, and the things they say. i'm learning how to love myself, and others. i'm learning how to care for me, and deal with everyone else later. because i've never cared for myself before. i deserve at least some respect and time from myself. i need to start letting myself choose what's best for me. not everyone else.
yeah, things are still horrid, and depression visits me more often than necessary. but that doesn't mean i can't start changing now, and work my way up.
one day at a time...

all it took was one text message. you texted me today and i had a feeling of change. i could feel it in the air around me. i asked you a simple question, out of my own curiosity. you claimed you were nervous to talk about the subject, but eventually you caved. all my assumptions were right. it wasn't just my mind going crazy.
i could tell by the way you looked at me some days.
i could tell by how you treated me.
i could tell by the way you cared about me.
i could tell by the way you talked to me.
i could tell by the way you got nervous about the subject when you were around me.
i could tell by the way you would sit on my couch and talk to me for three hours, just because i needed someone.
i could tell by the way your face would light up when we found out something else we had in common.
i could tell by the way you were around me.
i could just tell.
you like me.
you had all along. ever since we met way back when. but it really shot up when you were broken and scattered all over the floor. you let someone completely control you, and toss you to the ground. but i was right beside you, ready to pick up all the pieces and try to put them back together. you called me, crying, at one in the morning. my heart broke at the sound of your voice, while you were choking back tears. suddenly i felt something different, but i tried to ignore it. ever since that day, i always get that feeling whenever i am talking to you or when i'm with you. i didn't know what it was until now, but i knew that i liked it. it was a strange type of happiness. happiness that only you could give me. you've always been there, and you've always cared more than necessary.
you make me forget about all of the sadness and drama. whenever we go somewhere, for just a minute, i'm perfect and feel completely invincible. nothing matters. and the world starts to slow down. and we just sit there and talk for hours.
just you and me.

this day has been completely amazing. i'm so glad that days like this still come around in my life. i know i don't deserve such happiness, but i really needed it today. things are looking up. and it's only going to get better from here.

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