Monday, August 23, 2010

july 29, 2010

Dear Life,

We seemed to have gotten off on the wrong foot lately. Well, at least for the past year or so. I don't really know where I went wrong, or what exactly I did to make everything that's happening, happen... But I obviously did something, and it was a horrible mistake.

Life, I hate to say this to you... But I do not love you.

You took away almost all of my happiness, or my sources for happiness.

You took away my friends. Starting with her. She was my best friend... She was my sister. I went to her for almost everything, and she could always cheer me up, no matter how sad or depressed I was. We spent so much of our time together and have so many un-forgettable memories. We practically lived at each others houses. We were perfect, and exactly what each of us needed in a friend. But you took her away from me. You got her caught up in the world and the media... You blinded her with all of your clever tricks and lies. You showed her your version of reality, and put the truthful reality behind her. Along with reality, you also put me behind her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She hates me. I haven't seen her in months, and haven't spent time with her for almost 4 months. But now I don't know if I would want her back... Because you seemed to have changed her into some fake barbie that she's not. You've dressed her up in your $230 dollar designer jeans, and $150 running shoes that she hardly runs in. And along with that, you've given her a fake personality and smile to walk around with to fool everyone. You've given her a new group of friends who will never serve her faithfully. They're just the same as she is. They really don't care about each other.. They just want all attention focused right on them. Where did I go wrong...? I tried so hard to hold onto her and show her that she was taking a different path that I didn't want to go down. But she just ignored me...

You took away my childhood friend. His name is Morgan. Not John... Not MJ... Just Morgan. He is one of the greatest people I know of, and he always has been. He's different from all of the rest... But not in the ways you're thinking. He was Beethoven's son. He had musical talents that I didn't even imagine were possible. He took the piano, and turned it into something even greater than it already was. His voice was perfect. He could pick up any instrument, and any piece of music and sight read the music perfectly with a completely random instrument he's never played before. His smile could win anyone over within seconds. He wasn't an idiotic high-school teenager. He was sweet and caring, and always treated you like you were royalty. But my favorite of all... Were his eyes. They could make any girl drop to her knees instantly, and have your heart melting before you even have time to think about it. They always seemed to light up a room, and make him stand out. He had a successful time in high-school. He was Sterling Scholar in music. Along with that, he got a full-ride scholarship to one of the best college's in the state... and probably in the country. But you know what you did? You took that away from him. All of it. You put your evil plan into some sick man's mind. And then you told that man to go convince Morgan that everything he was doing was wrong. And of course... Morgan fell through the cracks. He became gay. Everything changed. People neglected him. He was afraid of his own family. He lost his scholarship. He lost his job. He lost almost all interest in music at all. He lost himself. How could you do such a thing? But then... You put him back into my life. And we were better friends than I ever could've hoped for... But you just hate me, don't you? Because you took him, too. Snatched him right away from me. He was one of the best listeners. He always cheered me up. I brought music back into his life. I reminded him of the good times in his life. I kept him around. I didn't reject him at all. I accepted who he was, and the choices he had made. No, I didn't agree with them.. But I loved him. He was one of my best friends. I couldn't just neglect him... He actually cared about me. But you can't be fair with me. So you took him. And I'm afraid that is something I'll never get over...

You took him. He came into my life at a perfect time. Not perfect because things were good, but because I was so depressed... And he brought me back to happiness. He literally changed my life within 1-3 months or so. He was one of the most amazing people I had ever met. He didn't care how big or small my problems were... He always wanted to hear about them to see if he could help. He was always there when I was ready to give up or give in. He taught me how to be happy. And then you did something really crazy... You let him fall in love with me. What were you thinking? Me? Are you nuts? That's funny, life. Really funny. You think I'm even HALF-worthy of this kid? But guess what I did? I fell in love with him, too. To be completely honest... I had loved him from the start. He made me feel so much better, and was so amazing... I had no choice. But, of course. You took him away from me, too. He's gone. Sure, he still talks to me.. But he doesn't care like he used to. I don't hardly tell him anything, because he seems to get easily annoyed with it... When we talk now, it's almost awkward. Why can't you just bring back the days when things were good between us...? Or at least give me the strength to stand up for myself, and talk to him... I can't bring myself to. He isn't aware of what he did... And I don't think he feels that I've lost him... yet. I think he just got tired of it... And he stopped caring.

You took away my Dad. You took who he used to be, and replaced him with some lying, drug addict. Now that's just cruel... I'm not even 16 yet, and I already want out of my own house. I can't stand to be here, because of him. How could you do such a thing to me? I used to be on my Dad's side. I always wanted to spend time with him whenever I got the chance to... And I used to be able to look at him without getting the urge to hurt myself, or hit the wall as hard as I can. But now I can't even be in the same room with him. I want my Dad back. I don't want this drug-addict who lies about every little thing. I want the man who used to tell me his wildest dreams, and then build and create our own crazy dreams that we swore we'd make come true someday. I want the man who took me to the park every Sunday just to watch me laugh and be happy. I want the man who used to come in my room every night when I was asleep and kiss me on the cheek just to remind me that he loved me. I want the man who made a big breakfast on saturday, and always let me go to the store with him and then help him cook it. I want the man who used to take me to baseball games, and explain all the rules. I want the man who didn't have to hide behind his addictions and lies. I need my Dad. So can you at least bring him back... Please? I can't go on without him anymore. It's too painful.

Along with these specific people... You've taken more away from me. At least a dozen. But none of them quite had the impact these three people had... But nonetheless.. I am still alone. Because you seemed to want me this way. I don't know why, but I don't ever doubt that I didn't do something to deserve it. I know I did. I just don't know what it is...

Life. I'm not quite that harsh to just say mean things and then not say anything nice... Because sometimes, you are nice to me.

You gave me four angels, better known as my best friends. You gave me Abbi, Lauren, Cheyenne, and Izzy. I don't know why you gave me such amazing people as friends, but you did. And I am so grateful for that. More than you'll ever know. These girls have gotten me through more situations and problems than anyone else ever has. They have never once judged me or complained about something I did or said. They always cheer me up no matter what the situation. They always let me come to them, and that means the most to me. I love them so very much. I'm so glad you at least let me keep them...

You gave me the most amazing family on this planet, minus my Dad's recent and past decisions. But you gave me an aunt that's better than any therapist or counselor out there. she listens to me, and cares about me more than a lot of people i know. she would do anything for me, and i am so grateful for her. so thank you for her, too. she's one of the only few i have left.
You also gave me my amazing cousin Rachel. Who knew that the problems she used to sit and cry to me about were things I would soon go through... It may be depressing, but she's been through the exact same thing. So we can relate, and it brings us so much closer. She was one of the first to care when everything came crashing down.. and it surprised me. Without her, I would be nothing. So thank you for her, too.
You gave me an uncle that sincerely cares about each person in this family. Even my dad. I've always loved him, and knew something was special about him. He's been with us through thick and thin lately... And we would not be where we are right now, if it weren't for him. Thank you for him, too.
You gave me my absolutely amazing brother, Dan... He may hate me, but I absolutely adore him and love him. We communicate in ways not many people do. We joke around too much, and we use a stuffed cow to get messages to each other. We play random games that nobody understands... And we learn from each other so much every single day. He's more of a dad than my own dad, at the moment. He's one of the most responsible people in this whole entire world. He can always tell when i'm even the slightest bit sad. And he immediately tries to cheer me up. There hasn't been one time that he hasn't succeeded. And the thing that makes it so amazing... is that he doesn't even say anything. He just starts making me laugh, and before I know it... I'm all better. He's my inspiration, and honestly.. He's one of my best friends. I absolutely love him. Thank you, so so much for him, too.
And of course... You gave me my mom. She's honestly the only reason I'm still living and breathing. She's my example, and the only reason I get up in the mornings. She gives me hope, and shows me ways to be happy even though everything is really bad right now. She makes me laugh when i want to hurt myself, and she cheers me up when I'm ready to break out crying. We go on adventures that only people like us could enjoy. She supports me in everything I do, and always has. She never gives up. She stepped up to the plate when this crap started happening... and she hasn't backed down since. Not once have I heard her complain about our current situation... And she hasn't gotten upset with my Dad hardly ever. She's a saint, and an angel. I couldn't imagine having a different mom. Because she's perfect. I cherish every moment I spend with her, because soon it'll all be gone. Life goes too fast. But as for now, our constant movie-quoting and our adventures driving together is good enough for me. She's my hero. I am so grateful for her, I can't even put it into words. Thank you... so so so so so so so so SO much for letting me be her daughter, and letting me keep her as my mom. I love her.

So it seems we've had our rough and good times lately, life. I will admit, you still really suck right now... But you've given me people to help pull me through. Maybe someday I won't feel miserable and lonely. Maybe I'll feel loved by my own Dad, and I'll be able to look at him and be proud. Maybe I'll have an endless amount of friends that care for me beyond measure. Maybe Morgan will say Hi to me again. Or maybe I'll just learn how to heal... And I'll move on.

But as for now...
I'm just going to go whatever direction the wind blows me.
I've given up trying to control you, life.
So do your thing.
Throw your punches where you please, as you have before.

I'm not giving up.


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