july 19, 2010

it seems that when happiness comes into my life, it only stays for about 3-6 hours.

finally i had a chance to break free from all the stress and drama in my life, and enjoy an evening with my friends at a concert. the day started out as chaos, but once i got my ticket and stood in line, everything started to sink in. i would be okay. i had made it that far. all i had to do was enter through the big green gate, and in there i would find happiness.

yes, i could have done without all the heat and humidity. but it was worth it. the second we sat our blanket down, it started to sink in that maybe just maybe... i could be happy again. i was so unfamiliar with the feeling... i forgot how it felt. but i was quickly reminded of what happiness was once i saw a singer in a band pass right by me. a chill ran up my spine, and i had goosebumps all over, despite the heat. in pure excitement, i had a miniature heart-attack that seemed to grab his attention. he came up to me and my friends and the only thing that i could seem to choke out was, "so, i love you." and then he decided to take our picture... and before we walked away, i hugged him. and at that moment, i knew i really would be okay. at least for the night...

i found myself getting lost in the music; dancing like i didn't care who saw me. i screamed until my lungs gave out, and i clapped until my hands went red. my feet even got sore from all the jumping. i stood in a ridiculously long line to meet a man whose song lyrics make me want to be a better person. and from then on, we took picture after picture with different band members, and i completely forgot that anything in my life was even wrong. these people had taken away all my stress and drama in life for 3 & 1/2 hours. the least i could do was wait in a ridiculously long line to show my appreciation.

as we were going to leave... i saw him again. the man who had completely turned my night around; cheesy as that sounds. without any thought i screamed, "PETER. I LOVE YOU." shocked by my own words, i took a step back and took in what i just said. his reply was, "I LOVE YOU!!!!" and then i hit the ground running back to my friends. life was good.

but nothing lasts forever...

the second i got home, my brother opened the door. i was expecting my dad, but it was no big deal. i busted through the hallway and into the family room where my mom was sitting on the couch by herself. i couldn't control my excitement and literally skipped over to the couch and sat beside her. i eagerly told her all my many adventures and stories from the concert, and she looked at me halfheartedly... as if someone had ripped out her feelings and she forgot how to be excited.

then i got a text...

"sorry about your parents..."
from my cousin rachel.

my mind suddenly started racing. what had happened while i was gone? had my worst nightmare that i prayed wouldn't happen the night before, finally come true? suddenly it all fell into place...

my dad didn't open the door.
my dad wasn't in the family room with everyone else.
my mom looked like she was ready to fall over and die.

NO. NO. NO.

within ten seconds of getting the text, my mom told me she needed to tell me something. i kept quiet about the message, and figured this is what she was getting at. she went on for hours telling me a horror story that had taken place just hours before i arrived home. she had explained that my dad had left. and she wasn't sure when he was coming back.

suddenly i felt like my heart had been stabbed with 200 knives, all at once... all my happiness and excitement ran from me... and all i could do was sit there and listen. when i even tried to comment, tears gathered in my eyes, and i couldn't talk without bawling. my worst nightmare had finally come true... the thing that kept me up all night, the previous night before... had come true... i convinced myself there was absolutely no way it could happen... but it did. and i wasn't here to help my mom through it.

suddenly, i was overtaken by a feeling of guilt. "i shouldn't have gone. i should've been here. i hate myself." i blurted out in the middle of her story. she gave me a puzzled look and then softened her look as she saw that i was huddled up in a ball, practically crying. "no. you earned that. you should've gone. i'm so glad you did." was her simple reply. but i didn't believe her, and i'll never let that go. i should've been there... i'm lucky that both of them didn't get killed that night...

throughout the day today... the majority of sounds i've heard are the vibrations of many cell phones. mine was going off because of texts from friends and family. my brother's both went off every ten minutes or so with a different family member each time trying to help us figure things out. hearing the same horror story over and over again started to get to me... and tears started to fill my eyes again. i remembered how bad things are going to get... and how lost and confused i am, as well as the rest of my family. people asked me when they'd get to see my dad next, because they missed him.. i had to put on my best fake smile and say, "hopefully sometime next week!" while breaking down inside, and trying to control myself so i didn't break down on the outside...

so, like i said... happiness can only last so long with me.
we're not very good friends, and he doesn't seem to enjoy my company. but i will admit... i missed feeling happy, and would give anything to keep that feeling forever. but nothing lasts forever... right?

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so now where do i turn?
to my friends?
well, i have to say... i would be nowhere without them. my first instinct was to text my two best friends... and even someone i was already texting... they even told me how sorry they were... and all of them continually asked what i needed. i've texted and called so many of them just in the last 24 hours, it's crazy. so, you know who you are. you're amazing, and i love you. thank you.
my family?
well. i've lost a good majority of them, now. but i have to say that i was so impressed with my cousin rachel... i mean, she's always been more like a sister to me than a cousin, but... she was the first to text me. she told me i was gonna get through it. and she told me, "I'm here for you, and you're here for me. That's all that seems to matter anymore." I nearly died. i felt so much love from her, and it was so unexpected. she knows how it feels, because she's been in my situation... while i would NEVER want to put someone through what i'm going through... i'm glad i have someone who knows my exact feelings...
and then my aunt... she texted me til 1 am... just telling me how much she loved me and to call her whenever. and even continued to text me all day today... making sure everything was okay...
i've never, ever, ever... been more grateful for my brothers. they were both here with me, tonight. one of them had no idea of ANY of this until tonight, and was extremely upset. they supported me and my mom in everything... and asked me what i needed them to do. but i don't need anything... it's my mom who needs the help. somehow, i'll get out of this... somehow i'll be happy again. and somehow i'll find somewhere in my heart to forgive my dad for what he's done... just not today.

but for now. life sucks. really badly.