july 18, 2010

once upon a time...

i wasn't afraid to let myself go, and i hardly had any worries. i danced around throughout the days, just breathing in every moment of life. my biggest fear was jumping off of a 6 foot fence, or telling a boy how i really felt about him. my dreams never left my sight. they danced right along with me. i didn't care what i looked like, or what anyone thought about how i looked. i never even once considered hurting myself. i knew who i wanted to be, and wouldn't let anyone get in my way or even try to break me down.

but then things changed...

a cold-hearted impostor took my heart, like a thief in the night, and left the wound open and hollow. nothing no longer remains where my heart used to be. i've become numb to almost all emotions... especially the ones he left me with. he's programmed my brain into thinking that somehow everything that has gone badly in my life lately, is merely my own fault. even the things that are out of my control. along with my heart, he took my hope and faith. i used to have too much hope and faith in him... which i thought was a good thing. but the thought otherwise, and completely destroyed all hope and faith that lingered inside my heart and soul. not only my hope and faith for him, but my hope and faith for everything else in life.

you were the first one i ran to when i started hurting myself... you first told me, "things like that will only make you go deeper into the problem." but silly little you couldn't even take your own pathetic advice. it was staring back at you in the mirror. you needed to stop what you were doing, because you had completely fallen off the deep end... but you made it that much easier to continue to do it. no, you're not the reason i started. i'm not trying to blame this on you. but you made things run a lot smoother... i always reminded myself of the guilt and the pain that came from your actions. i took full responsibility for them, and i drifted off into a different place while the cold blades of a pair of scissors danced around my wrists.

so hats off to you, sir. not only have you completely destroyed your own life, you've also destroyed my soul... and my whole outlook on life. i can't be as happy as i used to be anymore, because i have all your stress and problems constantly weighing me down. it's as if you have put chains on every limb of my body, and attached anchors to each individual chain. Each of those anchors contains your pain, stress, regrets, mistakes, problems, lies, and guilt. You've tied me up and pulled me down. I can't break free. Now I'm left to slowly float to the bottom, and stay there until you finally release me. And we all know you never will... you've brought me so much sorrow in just such a short amount of time, i don't even quite know how to comprehend it. my own mother claims she wishes i would've never met you... because you've brought me too much un-necessary sorrow. and on days like today... i wish that, too.

so as a result, i've put up a high wall around myself. i won't let anyone in, and i never let myself break the wall down, to let myself be free. my worst fears have all become true, and some nights all i can do anymore is worry about every single thing; loosing sleep. every breath i take these days is just another one i wish i didn't have, and another one i regret. each day is a disappointment, and my past is a firm reminder of that. i would jump off a building now, if i could... and tell a boy how much i can't stand him. my dreams are gone, and seemed to have runaway. where are they now? heaven only knows.

no happily ever after's, or happy endings.

just a lost and confused person with a pair of scissors at the ready...