Monday, August 23, 2010

june 11, 2010

some days my guitar is my best friend. it can't talk back to me, make weird faces, or accuse me of doing something wrong. it will always be there for me, and it can never walk away on me for good. it just calms me down and soothes my soul with it's hypnotizing melody. the pressure from the strings leaves marks on my fingers and reminds me that i'm alive. it's a constant reminder of who i used to be, and the person who i never thought would leave my side. it's much more than just a piece of wood with a hole in it, and strings... it's my only proof that we were ever friends. every time i even look at it my mind is overflowed with memories of you, and then i can't help but pick it up and strum the song we used to sing over and over again until our fingers almost fell off, and our voices went hoarse.

i miss those days.

they were some of the best days of my life, and by far made that the best summer of my life. which is almost hypocritical of me to say, because i always claim that was one of my worst summers. i had too much going on, and no one to reach out to.. i completely lost sight of who i was, and gave up on almost everything. but you were always there.. i guess i just never mention you, because i know i'm not strong enough to tell that side of the story.

you were what made me love the guitar more than i thought i could. and through all of our random guitar sessions, you made me love you more than i thought i could.

when i was little i always swore i could never, ever consider you a friend because you weren't as amazing as everyone talked you up to be. my own mother constantly would sit and gloat about how amazing you are, and how someday she wanted me to marry you, or if not you, someone just like you. the very thought made me gag, and every time i saw you i would try my hardest to be disgusted with your presence... but even i knew deep down inside that you were a walking angel. you always seemed to hypnotize me with your eyes and bring me in with your smile. even with just one glance, i could be dazed for hours. i couldn't keep denying the reality that was staring me in the face... you were perfect.

so then i grew up and grew out of that phase. i knew i could never be your friend because you didn't ever seem to care much about me at all. i was just the girl in the corner. or dan's little sister. but never your friend. but then things changed.. all because of one little text message. and you know how the rest of the story goes...

but now you're masked by lies and fake relationships that will never get you anywhere. you gave up your future, friends, family, and life just for one little thing. you won't talk to anyone anymore because you're too ashamed of yourself... you won't even talk to me. you used to come to me for everything, and i did the same. you always told me that you never felt ashamed in front of me, because unlike everyone else.. i accepted you. i didn't care. you were still the amazing boy i looked up to from the time i was 5. i never judged you, and i always backed you up anytime you came up in a conversation with one of your old friends that i would bump into on occasion. i was one of your favorite people, and one of the only ones you trusted.. but you can't even give me a simple, "hello," or even, "i hate you." anymore...

you're still the perfect person i've known for so long... your perfection is broken into pieces, just waiting for someone to come along and put them back together and then show you that you can go back to who you used to be, and people will still love you. and you will never, ever, know how much i want to be that person.. but what can i do? i've tried everything in the book, and never even considered giving up.. but you stopped caring. so what else can i do? keep trying, only to find myself becoming more and more hurt? i have to give up.. i know now that you aren't going to come around.. and you certainly won't talk to me unless a small miracle happens. but if you ever did end up back at my door... i'd take you in so fast it would make your head spin...

i don't think you know who you are anymore. i think you know that deep down inside you're being a complete fool, and you know how much you gave up.. but that's not enough to change your mind.. no, you're much more stubborn than that.. so now that you've got nothing left but that one little thing... i have to ask... was it really worth it?

so, my guitar is my best friend because it brings the same peaceful feelings you used to give me. when i'm depressed, i can run to it and just play it for a while until i feel better. it fills me with the reminder that you actually existed, and reminds me just how big of an impact you had on my life in such a short time. it heals the loneliness i feel inside, and somehow makes it go away, even if it's just for a little while. it reminds me of you, and sometimes that's all i need.

it will never let me forget the amazing times and laughs we had that summer.. and it will never let me forget who you helped me become...

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