Sunday, January 23, 2011

i know you've got a soul, even though you're heartless.

{save me. i thought it would be alright.}
but i'm not pulling through.

i can not say enough how extremely tired i am of going through this every single day.
i've tried constantly; daily, hourly, to get you out of my head.
but you just refuse to leave. or perhaps,
i refuse to let you go...

you were just so wonderful.
you were my best friend.
it's not as if you were just some impostor who selfishly stole my heart overnight and ripped it to pieces.
no, you were everything.
you were always there when i needed you. we went everywhere together. we got along incredibly well. we had so much in common, it shocked even us. and you were possibly one of the only things that saved me from the dark depression that surrounds me constantly.

i was talking to my mom about him the other night. we were sitting carelessly waiting for our food to come as the noises of people's conversations buzzed around us. i broke through the thick awkward silence that loomed around just me and her, and began going on about how my heart ached for him. my mother shot back with a slight tone of irritation hiding behind her words.
"i cannot wait until someone else takes over your thoughts."
i drew back in confusion and thought to myself as the waitress set our food down on the cold wood table.
did i honestly talk about him that much?
out of my sheer curiosity i asked her,
"what do you mean?"
i knew exactly what she meant. who was i kidding? i never shut up about him.
"i know he was wonderful, but i have one word for you: bipolar."

my heart melted down to my toes and my stomach churned as my mother's words screamed the truth at me. i couldn't ignore the monster that lived within in his brain. it only gets worse as the days go on, and his age increases. when he first mentioned it to me, i would've never guessed. and even just before all hell broke loose, i wouldn't have believed it. but he hid behind prescriptions, and therapy sessions. no, i don't blame him for doing these things at all. i supported him 100%. the advice and medicine that he used daily gave him the opportunity to be who he really was, with the monster pushed aside.
but towards the end of our beautiful friendship, he decided to push everything aside. he had run out of pills, but said he was going to get more. sadly, that day never came. he claimed the pills turned him into someone he wasn't. i tried with all my might to convince him that they give him a chance to be who he really was. the monster within him made him fake. but he insisted that he didn't need to hide behind medication anymore.
and that is when everything fell apart...

it's odd, but i've come to realize something.
the other day i was drowning out my sorrows by watching my guilty pleasure; teen mom, while chowing down on fruit. one of the girls had lost her boyfriend/baby daddy to a car accident. the whole entire season she mourns and cries over his death, and just can't seem to let him go. but if you look back on the times when her boyfriend was around, she wasn't happy at all. he was horrible to her, and she had to get her number changed countless times because she couldn't stand him. he never supported her, and simply didn't care. but since he had died, she could make him into absolutely anything she wanted to.
because he was gone.
how could she be proven wrong, when he wasn't there to say otherwise?
she transforms him into a beautiful person with a soul that burned like a roaring fire. she acts as if their love was incredible, and couldn't be beaten by any other couple in the world. she describes him as a supportive and caring person who was the one for her.
but she's lying. she's lying to herself, and to everyone she tells that to.
her parents know that, her friends know that, and she knows that.
after all, you can make a dead man into absolutely anyone you want him to be.

no, my dear former friend isn't dead. i see him everyday in the 700 hall as he grimaces at me while his friends whisper words of hatred and anger. most days i just smile, and others i laugh. but on the inside, i'm holding myself back from running up to him and throwing my arms around him.
or i try just to keep myself from bursting out into tears.
but, my point is; he's not here.
i, like this girl on teen mom, can make him into absolutely anything i want to be.
{now, there is the exception that if i tell it to his friends, they can prove me wrong. but all of my friends, and my family know just what he put me through. he lies to his friends, and tells them horrible rumors that couldn't be more wrong. and who do you think they're going to believe? him, obviously.}

i talk about him as if he was prince charming himself.
at some point, maybe he was.
but there was a reason i left.
the monster inside of his brain slowly took over every inch of his body. he, became the monster himself. the former person he had been was long gone, and the person i can't seem to let go of. he would constantly pester me with text messages of hatred and anger day and night. i would get on the computer and get constant messages from him with the same type of things he would text me. his anger and depression began to take over not only him, but me, as well. i couldn't hardly sleep some nights due to the constant questions that would rack my brain and cause tears to swell within my eyes.
why is he being like this? does he hate me? what did i do to him? does he really mean what he's saying? doesn't he care at all anymore? can he see what he's saying?
can't he see this is tearing me apart?

my grades slowly but surely started slipping, as studying became next to impossible. i would tell myself to turn my phone off, and just ignore him while i finished up my homework, or studied for my huge test. but i could never make myself turn it off. i cared about him too much...
i would complain to everyone about how horrible he had been lately, and how tired i had become over trying to keep up with all of his false accusations and drama. people suggested i run away as quickly as i possibly could. i ignored them for the longest time, and insisted he could change...
nearly a month passed, and things got incredibly worse.
i couldn't go throughout my day anymore without getting hateful text messages and phone calls every single minute.
so i put it to an end...
i had been on fall break for 3/4 of the week, and simply couldn't breathe without him accusing me of doing something wrong. his texts came at every hour of the day, and kept me up when my body begged for rest. i just couldn't do anything right. but i was trying oh so hard to please him, and keep him happy. but even he made it bluntly obvious that i was failing miserably.
the thing that really pushed me over the edge arrived on a sunday morning. i had woken up and showered, and went to grab my charging ipod from the computer. i opened up facebook for no apparent reason, and found a status he had posted.
it was a quote from a song, it read,
"burn it down 'till the embers smoke on the ground,
and start new when your heart is an empty room;
with walls of the deepest blue."
i assumed it was driven towards me, but got the confirmation of that once i read through the comments.
they went something like this;
"some girl: oh well this sounds depressing! are you okay?
him: yes! i'm fine! it's my sort of.. starting fresh quote!
some girl: oh i sense this has something to do with a girl then, eh?
him: yeah, it does.
him: i'm actually trying to make a point. you know, drop a hint! ;D if you get what i mean. i liked this girl, but i don't anymore. and knowing her as well as i do, if i actually TOLD her that it would NOT end pretty!"

my heart honestly stopped beating for what felt like years, and i couldn't gather the oxygen my lungs desperately ached for. i couldn't believe what i was seeing.
i had sacrificed SO much for him. i had devoted every ounce of my time to keeping his happiness alive. i had always been right beside him, and never once complained about it. and here he was, acting as if i was some horrible person who was too weak and insecure to hear that you couldn't stand her presence anymore.
in complete rage, i commented saying,
"Don't worry. The hint has been dropped. :) "
and that was that.
i came back a few hours later, only to find that all of the comments had been deleted except for the first one the girl had said. he knew that he had offended me, and he knew that was a jerk move.
so i blocked every way of contact with him in that instant. i blocked him from facebook, e-mail, everything.
i told my mom what had happened, and she said she was tired of it. she told me the next day, we were going to go get my number changed.
so i did just that.. and here i am today.

he goes around telling everyone lies about me.
it doesn't matter if he knows them or not, he'll still tell them.
and of course they believe him.
he's very persuasive, and i can testify of that;
he used to put me under the same spells.
i once knew a girl who he couldn't stand, and they were in the same situation that me and him got into. i called her and yelled at her countless times. i texted her telling her how big of a mistake she had made. and she tried and tried to tell me that it was not her, but him. but due to my ignorance, and my eyes that were being covered by dishonesty, i didn't believe her.
so now i get the consequence of that...
i'm in her shoes, now.
i texted her after all of this happened, begging for forgiveness and telling her what had happened, and how foolish i was for not believing her in the first place.
she never replied.
and i don't blame her.
i'm sure he says just as much, if not more, horrible things about me to people, as he did about her.
he's probably told people how big of a bitch i am countless times.
that was always his favorite thing to say.


our friendship that once burned so brightly, slowly faded into a pile of ashes that would be swept away over time. the memories we used to cherish over and over had been devoured by an unknown black hole. but he will forever remain in my heart, sadly enough.
at a time, he was beautiful. he had the talent of Beethoven, and all the strength of the world. he cared so deeply and passionately about me, and only wanted my happiness. but i guess when you've got a monster residing in your brain, nothing really matters but yourself.


he may have been wonderful at some point, but he wasn't always. not matter how hard i try, i can't deny the truth that is staring me in the face.
my parents know it, my friends know it, and even i know it.
he was and is horrible.
it's a miracle that i got away from him when i did.

{but a part of me wishes that i would've sucked it up, and dealt with the pain..}


  1. Ash, I love you too much, so much; I think the world of you.
    You're so very strong; you support me, when I am such a heavy weight, and you support yourself, and all the weight that you carry.
    You fall to pieces sometimes, but thats okay... Sometimes we need to. Sometimes the pieces didn't fit together right; so we fall apart, and build them back together, try again.
    One day we'll get it right, one day we'll feel at peace.
    You deserve the best.
    Do keep taking care of yourself.

  2. Have you any idea how amazing you are?! I am sad to see you hurting so, I am sad to see you holding on to someone who's already gone - and I can't even tell you that letting go is something you must do, because I know what it is like to hold on myself. All I can say is that, time may not heal all wounds, and time will not erase all memories, but know that one day there will be someone who will enter you life, who will make such wonderful memories with you, someone who will touch your soul so deeply and lovingly that all memories, all hurts from the past will fade, and the only emotion that you will never stop feeling is love.

    I agree with Bella, one day you'll find your peace and everything will make more sense. You will find all that you are looking for, lovely girl.


  3. Oh, i love you both.
    So, so much.
    Thank you for your words.
    You two, specifically, are some of my biggest inspirations.


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.