Wednesday, January 19, 2011

i woke up late today, and i still felt the sting of the pain.

i just can't keep lying to myself, and everybody else.
i'm in so much pain... and i don't know what to do.

today, in health... i was asked to fill out a form about myself.
two questions i found almost impossible to answer.
i stared at the blank questions, as i tried to find some sort of an answer.
i didn't want the teacher to know my secret.
"what are you good at?"
"what do you like best about yourself?"
i gave in, and cracked under the pressure as she told us it was time to pass the papers up.
i quickly scribbled my answer and wrote,
for both questions...

everyday, i wake up to my blaring alarm clock that screams at me to get up and move.
i need to embrace the day, and do something productive.
but i don't want to. i pretend like i do, but in reality, i'd rather just stay beneath the warm welcoming sheets that pile on top of each other and crash against my skin. nothing and no one can hurt me when i'm twisted up in my sheets. now i know that everyone says that. they would much rather sleep than go to work or school. but i simply am just tired of life. i can handle school, and work. but i can't handle this constant pain.
i never have been able to.

the pain;
it devours me.
it never leaves my side.
it dances around my mind constantly, and stabs right into the open wounds that lace my heart together. it takes over every square inch of my body, and makes my decisions for me. it whispers to me constantly, and speaks the words i don't want to say. it tells me to run far, far away from everyone, and hide beneath the shadows of the person i really am. it tells me how utterly horrible i am, and how much sadness i bring into the lives of those i come in contact with. it reminds me of the past, and never ever lets me forget just how big of a disappointment i am.

i'm completely alone, shattered, and broken. people leave now daily, and all of my hope is slowly slipping through my fingers. i feel so physically tired and hopeless, because i feel i have no one to run to. i can't afford to risk anything anymore, so i don't tell anyone hardly anything that's going on within my brain constantly. even this post will probably shock a few people. i was doing so much better. but i'm not anymore. i never was, to be completely honest.

i'm alone. simply alone.
no one remains by my side anymore.
the loneliness takes away everything within me. it drains me of all energy and happiness.
the pain is stronger than i am, and it knows me better than i know myself.

just this week, i've lost two more people.
two more friends.
two more people to lean on.
and now they're just gone.

well why can i never just be gone?
why am i left here to drown in the sadness and the pain?
i want to be free. i want to feel happiness. i want to be able to wake up each day, and feel good about how things are going to go. i don't want to feel so heavily weighed down by my own depression.
or i just want to be gone. just drift away silently in the whispering breeze that dances through the leaves on trees.

i've become the worst possible version of myself, and i don't know how to change it.
it terrifies me.


  1. You bring nothing but happiness into my life.
    You bring only the sadness I want to help chisel away at with you; I'm in this, with you.
    You've been so wonderful to me.
    I wish I could fill that form out for you, and show you all the magic you bring to every day.
    You're the best thing anyone could discover, inside you.
    You are, you really are.

  2. "the pain is stronger than i am, and it knows me better than i know myself."

    This line was amazing, because I can relate in so many ways. Also how you say that you were doing better, but you aren't anymore, and you really never were. Because people think I'm doing better so many times I'm not. I can offer nothing except to say... you aren't the only one who has ever felt like this.


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.