Tuesday, January 18, 2011

i'm left here with myself, and wonder what went wrong.

well, would you look at that.
clearly, someone is insane.

but she is lovely, and wonderful. so, i forgive her.
you see, Lauren Harper, my dear friend, decided to pass this award onto me.
i don't quite understand it; not hardly at all. but, i believe i am supposed to pass it on to five or so people.. while listing 10 true things about myself. so, i'll settle for 4 people, and still write 10 truths about my interesting self.

1} i am lactose intolerant, and hate it with every fiber of my being. i can handle things like cheese, or ice cream, in small portions. but if you give me milk, whipped cream, yogurt, cottage cheese, etc., it will not be pretty.

2} i am a hopeless romantic. this probably won't come as a surprise to many of you, but who knows. i absolutely gobble up romance of any sort. i constantly drown myself in romantic literature and movies. i have probably read almost every nicholas sparks book out there, and seen all the movies. not that he's the only author i obsess over; i'm just trying to put things into perspective. i read quotes and look at pictures of people that are happy. i dream about romances. i listen to every love song in the book, over and over again. i can never get enough romance. and yet, i can't seem to hold one of my own...
3} i remember everything. you think i'm kidding? ask anyone who knows me. from time to time, friends bring back old memories, and i can tell them almost everything about that specific memory. i can tell them what we were wearing, where we were, what exactly was said, and how we felt. i remember conversations. i remember movie quotes. {but then again, everyone can remember those.} i remember exact dates and times things happened. i don't know why, or how i such a thing. but i do.

4} i am incredibly amazing at pushing people out of my life. i can count... 1,2,3,4,5... maybe 6 people who i've permanently pushed out of my life, within the past 6 months. i hate it. i don't mean to do it, or even mean to offend all these people. but somehow, i get myself caught up in a web of lies and hatred that everyone seems to spin so perfectly, and i can never get out without hurting myself, or someone else. there are maybe 2 who did set up the misery for themselves, and walked away... but still. i secretly think it is always me who causes all the pain...
5} i used to have a huge crush on my brother's best friend. even to this day i hate to admit it. he first came into my life when my brother met him in 6th grade. at the time, i was only in kindergarten. he was always looking out for me. on halloween, when i dressed up as a mermaid my brother told me i looked stupid. but he told me i was the prettiest mermaid he had ever seen. oh, he had the charm that you could only find hidden beneath the pages of fairy tales. he would hold my hand and walk me to the car. he would flash his gorgeous smile in my direction. oh, he was just perfect. but i would always hide away from my secret passion for him. as i grew up, my mother would say things like, "oh, ash. it would be so wonderful if you could marry morgan. {that's his name.} or if not him, someone just like him." she literally did this almost daily, and every time she did, i would do a fake gag and tell her that was just the most repulsive thing. but deep inside, my heart hoped for the same thing my mom did. obviously, i knew that would never happen. don't be mistaken. but i never thought we'd quite get to where we are today.
two summers ago, summer 2009, dear morgan gave me the best summer of my life, so far. we spent countless hours and days strumming away on our guitars, and he would teach me piano on the side. we sent over thousands of texts and had phone calls that could last up to 2 hours. he saved me that summer. and oh how i wish he could've been there for me this past summer... he had chosen a different lifestyle that didn't please my brother, or any of his other friends. but i honestly didn't care, and that's why i think we had such a strong connection for as long as we did. but he hates me now. he hates every single part of me, and every memory we share. he won't even answer my texts, and even went so far as to delete me off facebook. i think that is quite pathetic, but his hatred is definitely strong. so i suppose i understand it. now he's twisted himself into his new lifestyle. he's traded all of his genuine friends in for fake ones, and his life-changing opportunities in for men. dirty, horrible, men that whisper disgusting lies into his fragile little ears.
he is no longer the morgan i once knew, or came to know so well that summer.
he is MJ. or perhaps john.
it depends on which guy he's going out with.
{wooo! sorry for getting so carried away. i could go on forever about that story...}

6} i am addicted to shopping, lemon sorbet, and anything with pearls attached to it.
{i figured i'd keep this one short since the other one was so long.}

7} my guitar is my best friend. his name is hansen, in honor of the man who taught me how to love my guitar more than i thought i could. {guess who? morgan.} some days it's the only thing that saves me from this crazy and hectic environment i'm surrounded by. it can't mock me or lie to me. it will always be there, and it will always serve as a constant reminder of a time when i was bursting at the seams with happiness.

8} i am deathly, deathly, DEATHLY, afraid of heights. i cannot STAND them. even just something as simple as sitting on a 6ft fence is enough to make me queasy. therefore, roller-coasters are my worst enemies.

9} i think that maybe, possibly, i am still in love with my former best friend. his name is phil. most days i think that i am over him, and i think of all the pain he put me through. but other days i think of all the wonderful times we shared together. i think of the countless nights i spent driving along in his car, or sitting on his big couch that was so comfortable, it could easily put you to sleep. {he's now sold that car. he was contemplating it when i was still around, but once i left, it was gone. i think he was probably more motivated to get rid of it because it reminded him of me.} then i think of how wonderful he was, personally. but i can't forget about the evil monster that lives within his brain; it can only be contained by countless pills and therapists. and if he doesn't accept any of that, i can't stick around to watch him turn into the monster, himself. but in all honesty, my heart still aches for him, and my mind thinks of him more than it should.
i miss him more than anything else in this world.
{and yes. he is the one i constantly blog about. just. so you know.}

10} i absolutely, positively, hate every single thing about myself. i know i shouldn't; believe me people remind me constantly. but i can't help it. i do. i've had issues with it ever since i was little. some days i get so upset with how horrible i am, that it brings me to tears. i sit day by day and hope and pray to become anyone but this horrible person i've turned into. but lately, i've been working on fixing this problem. i'm learning slowly, but surely, how to love myself, and see myself the way others do. who knows if it will work, but so far it isn't so bad. it actually makes me happy.

well there you have it. i'm quite the random person, and probably have the most random things. but, that's just who i am. so now, it's time to pass this lovely award on, to people who actually deserve it:

abbigail sue; oh my dear abbi. i love you so much, and i am so glad we have remained best friends for so long. believe it or not, you are one of my biggest inspirations, and i have always looked up to you. you are so wonderful and amazing, and have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. you are so beautiful, and every single thing you do amazes me. you are truly an angel, and i'm sorry i'm not always the best friend that you deserve to have. i love you.

lauren harper; i'm aware you already got this. but. screw that. i'm giving it to you again. you are also one of my biggest inspirations, and you have been from the get-go. your words inspire me and amaze me. your photography is beyond amazing, and so are you. everything about you is so wonderful and likeable. i miss being your best friend, but i am so glad you have always been there for me. you are one of the few people who remained beside me this summer, and you essentially saved my life. i owe you everything, and more. you are absolutely beautiful, and deserve nothing but the best. i love you to the moon and back.

bella; now i know, you have received this award countless times, but i have to honor you anyway. you, my dear, are so very beautiful and amazing in so many ways. you are everything i hope to be someday, and also one of my biggest inspirations. your words have given me hope and inspiration countless times. you've held my hand through all of the pain, and always been there for me, even though you live miles and miles away. you are such a wonderful friend, and i am so glad i have had the opportunity to get to know you.

philosophia; oh, i adore you. your writings struck me from the very first time i saw one of your blog posts. you have so much talent, and give some of the best advice i've ever heard. you have helped me so very much these past few months with the comments you leave me. your advice has made me a better person, and opened my eyes to so much more than i could ever hope to see. your words are so beautiful and blend together perfectly. someday i hope to obtain some of the many talents you posses. you are so very beautiful, and i'm so glad i know you. i love you.

you are all some of the best people i know, and i love you more than you could ever know.
thank you for always being there.

{sorry i haven't blogged in such a long time... i was so very sick just after my last post, and then the following week i was devoured by finals and end of term projects. i'm back now.}


  1. You are so wonderful, Ashley. You are so very deserving of this blog award, even if you don't realize it. Some of these things you say about yourself, are wonderful and I'm so glad you shared - there's nothing I love more than to meet someone who's as much as or even more of a hopeless romantic than I am - it gives me oodles and oodles of hope! Thank-you so very much for passing it on, and thank-you for saying some of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me! You have an exquisite soul. I love you. And know, that I have learned a great deal from you; you have made me see things in a light I never would have otherwise, had I not come across you. I hope you know that you already do possess such incredible talent; I look forward to your writing each time.


  2. Oh, you are far too kind. Thank you for your comment! They always make my day. And don't even get me started for romance. I eat it for every meal, and breathe it in every single second! (: You definitely deserve to have it passed on to you, and every single word I said about you is true. Thank you for your wonderful words. They have saved me many, many times. <3


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.