Thursday, January 6, 2011

it’s not easy to be this complicated. i lose my way; i change my mind.

Photography Graphics, Tumblr Photography
we have hope. hold onto hope.

i can honestly say i wasn't sure how i was gong to make it through this week of complete chaos, looking back on sunday night when i refused to believe i had to endure school the next day.
it was going to be a jam-packed week.
this week also brought along various other events that were unexpected. but we won't reflect on those anymore, seeing as they are gone and drifted away in the past. there's not enough time to sit and ponder about them. i have to continue to move forward.

today, i walked to work straight after school as the icy cold wind pierced my bare arms and raw face. i was running way behind this morning, and forget many things as i rushed out the door. one of the most important: my coat. but i didn't mind the cold, in all honesty. i could see the home, anyway. i was close enough. my feet cracked and slipped all over the icy sidewalks that desperately needed to be cleared. i finally walked up the narrow pathway to the small and simple home that brought me so much happiness.
i knocked on the blank white door, that felt like punching a freezing cold rock. "come in!" i heard anxiously from the kitchen. i walked inside the comfortably warm home, and took of my wet and dripping shoes. i looked over and saw one of my favorite people sitting in a booster chair, while eating chili and cheetos. just seeing her bright eyes and perfect little smile made my whole entire day. as the oldest girl arrived home from school, our imaginations ran wild, and all of my depression slowly trickled away, piece by piece...

suddenly i was a gorgeous princess trapped inside of a beautiful castle, lined with large brown walls and white cabinets. my dress was long and flowing, and would take anyone's breath away. my two best friends were also beautiful princesses whose smiles could illuminate the entire castle, and had dresses made of gold. to please our master we had to sing and dance for her. we carelessly sang the first words that came to mind, paired with a random melody. we lost ourselves in laughter, and danced around as if nothing else in the world mattered. we returned to our other castle, and found ourselves sprawling out our legs on the carpeted floor.
we were back to reality.
our dresses faded to pale green blankets, and our master turned back into a chair against a wall. i sat there, against a pale white closet door. the oldest little girl came and sat on my lap, as she began to smile and giggle. i laughed with her, and tickled her as she slowly fell backwards onto my legs, and rested her head on my feet. we talked for what felt like hours, and i tickled her so much i thought her vocal chords were going to snap. the youngest soon discovered our fun situation, and crawled over onto my lap. she latched onto my shirt, and laid her head down on my shoulder. my heart was instantly filled with joy, as it always is when she puts her head on my shoulder. then the oldest one sprang her body up, and wrapped her arms around me, too.
i silently smiled to myself, and let the happiness they constantly gave me, fill up my soul, completely.

through just these little girls, i have found so much hope. they kept me going today, and also showed me that i don't need to be hopelessly devoted to someone to be happy. i don't need to belong to anyone to know joy, and i don't need to be in a relationship to be loved. they always amaze me with how happy they make me. they'll never understand just how big of an impact they've had on me. and they're not even older than the age of 4.

i don't know what it is about this week, but i have suddenly found hope.
hope within these little girls.
hope within my friends who mean more than anything to me.
hope within my mother.
hope within my school work.
hope within my teachers.
hope within my future.
and hope within myself.

i am not 100% sure when it came, or why it waited until now to come, but i'm glad it's here. i've missed having hope in my life. it used to comfort my aching heart and broken soul. but then it went away for so long, and got torn apart by a villain who i never should have let enter within my mind, or heart. but i know now, that hope is back. it's within me, and it's within everything i do and surround myself with.
it excites me beyond belief.

no longer will i search for other people's happiness and turn it into my own.

{i promise a better post will come tomorrow. i am far too tired and feel rather sick, so i don't have much effort to write.}


  1. Oh, Ashley, this is such a wonderful and hopeful post. I absolutely love it! I couldn't agree more, sometimes when we feel we are running out of hope, the best place to inspire is one with little ones, because they carry such incredible imagination and wonder inside their little souls, they remind us of that which we forget - the simplicity with which they love life and everything it has to offer. I am so so glad that you are feeling hopeful and healing. You deserve that and so much more, and I know that you will achieve all that you want to. <3

  2. Thanks for following me Ashley!

    I really enjoyed this. I've spoken with many people over the past year and it saddens me that many have lost hope in their lives. More unfortunate still is that several of them are around your age or just a bit older.

    In your profile you've written, "I've seen a lot of crap lately, but I'm turning it into stuff that will help me later on in life." This is a great attitude; as they say it's not what happens to us but how we handle it that makes the difference.

  3. I love you.
    My new address is, it's bella.

    I love you, I love you. Do take care. xx


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