Tuesday, December 28, 2010

if you ever feel like you're nothing; you are perfect to me.

i ran impatiently, my feet pounding against the treadmill one after another. i panted heavily, wishing the numbers on the clock would go faster. i had been running for what felt like days. in reality, it had only been about an hour and fifteen minutes. my legs began to feel like a bowl of wobbly jello as my head was filled with feelings of uneasiness and pain. a light illuminated my phone and i glanced up to look at who it could possibly be.. it was 12am... who would be crazy enough to do such a thing?
to my surprise it was him.
i had only met him a few days ago, and i'm not sure he was very excited with the idea at becoming friends. although i on the other hand, felt such a strong connection with him. i didn't understand it at all. seeing his name pop up on my phone brought so much joy to me, i didn't even know what to do.
i eagerly opened his text. little did i know, by opening that one text...
it would start a conversation that would change everything.

him: i want to die.
me: Why? ): I don't want you to die...
him: i have no friends left...
me: I'm sorry... But you always have me. although i know that's nothing to shout about.
him: Ugh who am i kidding? I can't overdose... I'll just go back to crying every night. I knew my happy life wouldn't last long. Everything was so perfect...
me: what upset you so badly?
him: I'm told by everyone how I am not special in any way, that I am trash, just worthless. That I am ugly and icky. That I don't have standards. None of this is true... Ugh. I have never once had a true friend in my life. Everyone jumps at the opportunity to be my best friend... and in the end they end up hating me and calling me bad things. story of my life.
me: can i tell you something...?
him: if you are going to say that's the story of your life... heard it. those friends left too. if you are going to say that you will never leave me, don't kid yourself, EVERYONE does. don't make a promise you are going to break.
me: how can you say i'm going to? how can you know that? it hurts me that you say that. but whatever. i guess i'll just keep quiet. i'm sorry..
him: cause everyone does. i promise you will too. i'd give you a week or two before you hate me.
me: but i'm not everyone. obviously you don't know me very well. i'd love to prove you wrong on that.
him: everyone says that, too.
me: okay. well then you think what you want. i honestly don't know what to say to please you.
him: i'm sorry i am being so mean. i am so sorry! i can't believe i am doing this to someone i actually have an attachment to.
me: don't be. i know how it is. although i know you don't believe that. heard it before. whatever. it's still true. i'm sorry you're feeling so down.
him: I love you.
me: I love you too..

i sent that last message without a moment of hesitation.


now don't assume we're all of the suddenly hopelessly, and romantically in love. we're not....yet. but i am overjoyed and thrilled to see where this path will take me.

he is perfection. i promise you, he is.
his talents are numerous and his expertise is beyond anything i could ever imagine. his charm is the type that you typically can only find within fairy tales. his personality is contagious and wonderful. he, is wonderful. he is so strong, but so fragile and breakable at the same time. he's sensitive and caring. we have so many similar interests, it astounds me. we have such a strong connection already... and we've only known each other for a few days. i know this is no coincidence..
i know it's not.

maybe this is the answer to my hopeless and countless prayers, begging and pleading for something new and some gleam of hope to be brought into my life. maybe he can finally heal the gaping wounds that line my heart and soul. maybe he can be the cure to this disease of depression that has seemed to permanently cement itself into my mind. maybe through him, i can be healed.
maybe i can finally move on.

{my wish has finally come true...}


  1. You are not only a wonderful writer, Ashley, you are a wonderful person; a very beautiful person. You are so kind and loving, for you to help him in his time of need; i can just see your beautiful personality shining through. I really do hope this boy lights up your life and never stops reminding you of how special you are. Just remember, true happiness comes from within, know yourself and find contentment with yourself before anything else; don't let him be the answer to your question/problems, make him a part of the path (solution) that will lead you to find true happiness and healing. Always remember, you are the destination, and he could potentially be the warm hand in yours, walking in stride with you to the beautiful life you dream of.

    I am so happy to see that you have found someone with whom you share such understanding/empathy, if it becomes anything more, I know the two of you will burn so bright together.


  2. So far, it has been wonderful. He encourages me to be positive, but doesn't over-do it. If that makes sense. I haven't been sad for even a few minutes since we've begun talking. Oh, it's wonderful. But thank you for the advice! I never even thought of some of those things. And I will take every little piece of what you said, to heart. You are so wonderful, thank you so, so much. <3


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.