Saturday, December 25, 2010

i wasn't joking when i said you take my breath away.

my heart began to pound so hard i thought it was going to explode right out of my fragile chest.
the radio loudly blared the words that pierced right into my soul,
"all i want for christmas is you."
it was sad, and almost pathetic really, that such an upbeat and silly song brought such sadness into my soul.
i thought in my head, over and over again, until it had completely absorbed my mind.
all i want for christmas is you...


we drove along in the silent winter night, as icy air danced on the windows and christmas lights beamed from every home that lined the lonely road. the car hummed quietly as i sat and let my thoughts run wild. i began to think of life, and how much it had changed so suddenly on me. tears began to fill my eyes, and i tried my hardest to hold them back. i certainly didn't want my mom to see me this way; then she would ask questions. "you realize you're getting no surprises this year, right?" my eloquent mother choked out, shattering the silence that surrounded us. "yeah, i know. i'm fine with it mom, seriously. don't worry about it." i tried to say it with the most sincerity i could, because i honestly didn't mind, and i could tell it bugged her. an awkward silence seeped into the space between us. i oddly spat out, "you know? you could get me one surprise." my mom threw her head back the slightest bit and quickly turned her head towards me. "and what would that be?" she asked in almost a whisper.
i said it so quietly, even i could hardly hear it. surprisingly, my mom heard it too.
"no, ash... you do not want him. are you serious? do you really want him back?"
without a moment of hesitation i said, "yes. of course i do. he is perfect."
my mom almost began to laugh as she tried to argue against me. as i spoke, trying to defend myself, i think she began to hear the faintness in my voice as it began to crack, because i simply couldn't hold it in anymore. she drew back and stopped talking. and simply ended it by saying someday i would realize i had made the right choice.
i wish i could believe her..

i found myself in almost the exact same situation on christmas eve as we drove through the thick fog up to my grandmother's home, as we did every christmas eve. my brother began talking in a voice that pierced through my ears and went right into my heart.
my hands began to shake, and i couldn't even process what was happening.
my brother looked at me with wide eyes as if i had just informed him of someone's death. "what?" he asked in complete shock.
"you sound just like him.."
my brother laughed, and kept on talking in that same voice. every word that jumped out of his mouth sounded just like him and mocked me. he went on for a good ten minutes, until my parents finally asked why i was getting so upset. i simply explained it to them, and my dad began to talk.
"it's his loss. he's just being stupid. he hurt you, and did it continuously everyday. it was smart of you to walk away, and he shouldn't blame that on you. you've forgiven him, and you didn't even do anything. it's time for him to forgive you."
well, that was unexpected.
"no, he's not. he's being perfectly fine. i should've put up with him..."
as i said those words, my soul filled with such ache, i thought i was going to just drop dead right there. my heart yearned for him. just to hear his voice, or see his wonderful face at my door again. i know i should have just put up with him. but i'm so pathetic, i give up before i even try. i crack under the pressure, and i give in to the pain. i'm a worthless soul, who can't do anything right.
my dad continued to fight against me.
"no. you shouldn't have. you did what was best for you. he is awesome, but he's not being awesome right now. maybe someday he'll come back. he has to know that you'll always welcome him back in with open arms."
as my dad said that last sentence, i felt as if i shock had been sent throughout my whole body. he could not be more correct. i would always be here, forever. just waiting for him to come back...
but tears began to fill my eyes as reality hit me...
that will never happen. you screwed it all up, idiot.

i thought we were done with the pain and reminders of you, but life loves proving me wrong each and every second that i continue to live. as we drove up to my grandma's, i saw your uncle's house where we ventured out to that warm summer night. i didn't go with you for any particular reason, you just wanted someone to come, and i was more than happy to. when you found out that my grandma lived just up the street, your eyes got bright and wide, as if it was christmas morning. you couldn't believe our families lived so close together, and thought it was simply amazing. you told everyone we came in contact with, and didn't let it go for almost an entire week. my heart sighed as we drove past. i miss those nights. i miss seeing your face light up over the simplest of things. i miss you so so much.

throughout the rest of the night i saw probably a million reminders of you that sent continuous daggers into my soul. as we arrived home, i crawled underneath my big comforter as it wrapped its arms around me. i sunk into my pillow and prayed for a good dream that wouldn't involve him. but suddenly my mind began racing back and forth between every memory we've ever had. i pictured you walking through my door, and coming back to me. and then a waterfall of tears found its way to my arm which my head had been resting on. i couldn't stop the water from flowing, so i gave in and let myself sob for what seemed like hours.

i wish you were here. i wish i could share christmas with you, more than you know. seeing everyone become filled with joy made me ache to have you here even more. i will never be filled with as much joy as you gave me on a daily basis...
i hope you have a wonderful christmas, and find your own joy through someone else's life.

nothing will ever be the same without you.

i didn't just lose my best friend...
i lost everything...
merry christmas to you, my lovely followers.
i hope it's wonderful.

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