Friday, December 17, 2010

you're pointing out my every fault, and you wonder why i walked away.

it had been a horrible day.
nothing went right.
absolutely nothing.
everything would go bad, and then get worse, and worse, until i almost couldn't process everything spinning out of control. time got the best of me, and i didn't use it wisely. i was late to this and that, and never had the right thing at the right time. i had broken down crying in front of my own brother, and felt so much anger i almost couldn't contain it.

i laid my exhausted and aching body down on my fluffy mattress and crawled underneath the big black and white blanket that made me feel so small and insignificant. finally. the horrible and almost un-bareable night had come to an end. i pulled my pillow close into my arms and silently laid there, begging for rest. i looked over to my backpack, and knew i would regret not packing it, or finishing up my last math assignment. but i began to think about how much chaos had gone on that day, and how badly everything on me hurt... and i silently closed my eyes and fell into a deep, deep sleep.

i woke up to the sound of my annoying alarm blaring loudly at me to wake up. oddly enough, i wasn't tired like i usually was. usually it felt as if a million rocks were laid upon me gently, and i physically couldn't get up. but today i felt alert and awake, and was in hopes i could be ready a little bit early. i sat up and realized i was still wearing my dress and tights from my choir concert that wasn't enjoyable at all, and had brought so much un-necessary drama and stress upon me, when i really didn't need it. i didn't realize i was so hopelessly tired that i couldn't even get out of bed and put on a t-shirt and sweats. but then i remembered all the horrible things that had happened the previous day, and suddenly remembered why i was so exhausted. i got ready faster than usual, and was out the door in record time. my parents started the morning fresh with a new fight about worthless things that weren't even necessary to fight over. i walked down the stairs, wishing i could just burst through the big black door that opened up our house to the world, and run until my feet went numb, and my body went limp. but i endured breakfast and sprinted away from my dad's truck as he dropped me off at school.
maybe today would be just as bad.

my mind was racing a million miles a minute throughout the entire day. everywhere i went, i would see a slight reminder of you, and it nearly brought me to tears. i even listened to endless songs that we would sing for hours in the front of your car, just to torture myself. i didn't let a single thought come into my mind without you in some part of it. i really didn't understand why i was forcing myself to be miserable, but i didn't mind it. i liked reminding myself of how absolutely stupid i was to ever let you out of my life. i liked shooting myself down because of all the misery i'm sure i have caused you. it also reminded me that once upon a time, you were there. and you could handle looking at my face without screaming and running off, with your head planted firmly in the opposite direction.
i finally saw you. the real deal. i noticed your beautiful sea-foam green eyes, that constantly haunted my dreams, looking my way as i paced down the never-ending hallway. but this time, i didn't have time to think about what was happening. i was running away from someone, and just glanced at you for a few seconds, as a million knives stabbed directly into my heart. i continued to quickly walk to my final destination where i sat down by my friends. i looked over at one of my best friends as my heart sunk into my toes, and began talking to her about how horrible i felt, and how much i wanted this darkening depression to leave my soul. i whined about how much i wanted to move on from this whole situation, and finally said something i never would've imagined myself saying...

"but i can't change him. and that's what sucks... but it's not my fault that he's the way he is. he was born that way. and i can't be mad at him for all of this. i can only learn from it."

my friend looked at me in awe.
it was as if i had just told her that i had just found the cure for cancer.
she nodded excitedly and told me that was it exactly.
i jumped back in awe myself, and asked if i had honestly just said that.
i had finally found the answer within myself.
from that point on, i felt a little bit better, and was determined to let myself get over this situation. i had to. it's not healthy to let him completely control my life anymore. i'm not his puppet that he can just play with when he wants to. i'm my own person, and i need to learn how to be happy without him.
i have enough going on in my life that brings me down constantly. i didn't need him constantly kicking me around anymore, and reminding me just how utterly disgusting i am... i took myself out of his life in the first place for a reason.
i just keep forgetting that.

i walked slowly off to my next class, not too excited to be there. it was the last class before the much needed two week break.
who knew it would turn my whole entire week around.

i sat down in my lopsided desk in the very back of the room, all the way in the corner, and waited for my friends to arrive. as they slowly trickled in, i began talking about various happenings in the week, and what everyone was doing for the holidays. then i suddenly noticed one of my favorite people in the class, and the entire universe, enter the room. he was easily one of my biggest inspirations, and had some of the most amazing thoughts of anyone i knew. i hardly knew him, and had only talked to him once, but he absolutely amazed me. i didn't glance up at him, or even look in his direction. i turned around completely so i couldn't see him anymore, and began staring blankly at the bright white-board in the front of the classroom. i felt a gentle hand rest against my stiff back, and jumped a tiny bit in horror of who it was. i turned around as i heard them begin to speak, and i finally saw who it was. it was him. my heart slowly began to beat out of rhythm, and my hands went limp. i stared at him in awe, only processing about half of what he was saying.
i had written him a message earlier in the week, and he finally had read it last night. he told me how much he appreciated the note and how much it meant to him. he hadn't moved his hand from my back, and then after he continued to ramble about how much joy it had brought him, he finally choked out, "you know what? let me just give you a hug." my mind finally processed what he said, and i said the first thing that came to mind. "i'm sorry if it creeped you out or anything. or if it was awkward. i just felt you really needed to know that. i know you probably already do, but i couldn't help telling you." he quickly replied, "it wasn't creepy at all. you are the greatest person on earth." and then i moved towards him as he caught me in a warm embrace. i thought it would be brief and simple, but he held me for a little longer, as if he knew of all the pain that constantly surrounded me. as i finally realized just how amazing this situation was, i began to literally feel my open wounds slowly starting to heal. all the hectic and horrible things that had taken place not even 24 hours prior to this didn't seem to matter anymore. everything was behind me, and something wonderful had finally taken place. he let go and thanked me a few more times, and i told him, "well. i just want you to know it was all true. every single part of it." and he smiled and thanked me yet again, saying it had made his whole night. i felt a huge smile creep along my face as he walked away. it was the biggest smile i've felt in a long time, and for once it wasn't fake...
it was completely real.
after the shock finally died down, i sat there not even hardly paying attention to what was going on in class. i just sat there and thought, and thought, and smiled so much that my cheeks began to hurt. then i sunk down into my desk and i silently thought to myself,
"i just hugged an angel."

life works in silly and confusing ways.
it's amazing how many things can go completely wrong for endless amounts of time, but yet turn out beautiful within seconds. i don't know how this whole situation came about, or if i deserved any of the praise he gave me, but it happened. and he gave me the thing that i had so desperately ached for, for so very long..
i literally couldn't seem to wipe off the huge grin that had seemed to cemented itself onto my face. i had finally found the thing my soul begged for, and needed more than anything. something i didn't think existed anymore, and certainly something i never thought i could ever learn to obtain. but he gave me a small glimpse of hope, that has opened so many doors that i've refused to let myself open. i silently thought to myself, "keep holding on, ashley. you can do it. happiness is real. love is real. hope is real. everything is real. you just have to give it a second chance, and never let people stand in the way..."

he will never know just how much his small bits and pieces of advice that he gave to everyone, have helped me personally. but i'm quite certain that this is something that will stay with me for a long, long time...

i have a crazy, horrible, miserable, annoying, irritating, terrifying, un-certain, and scary life.
but i certainly meet some absolutely amazing people in it.

{thank you. for everything.}


  1. It is heartbreakingly sad to see you feel this way, but at the same time, I am glad you have someone to call an angel - someone who comforts you, someone who steadies you in the harsh reality you live in. You are really very beautiful, and in my eyes, an angel too. You have a beautiful soul, and when you find your wings, you will fly so high, of this I'm sure.


  2. You are wonderful.
    This comment made my entire week.
    Thank you for your kind words.



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