Tuesday, December 14, 2010

i'm painting all my dreams the color of your smile. maybe when i find you, i'll finally be alright..


I woke up today w i d e awake, in an empty bed, staring at an empty room.
I have myself to blame for the state I'm in today.
And now
dying doesn't seem so cruel.
I hate myself for losing you.
What do you do when you look in the mirror,
and staring at you is why he's not here?

Now I dread each day knowing that I can't be saved from the loneliness of living without you.
I don't know what to do, I'm not sure that I'll pull through;
I wish you knew
I don't know anymore.

What do you say when everything you said
is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed,
won't ever bring him back again?

I hate myself for loving you.
--------------------------

i am aware that i've told myself, "no more with him. move on. be gone."
but i can't just quit cold turkey, it seems. but i thought i had given myself enough time...
until today.
i was walking along in the buzzing hallways, dodging unknown faces and avoiding any eye contact with anyone. i was in absolutely no mood to start a conversation. i vigorously continued to walk through the pale white hallways until i finally reached my destination. my stomach began to churn as i rounded the corner, and realized that he would be standing on the other side of the wall, at the very end of the hallway. i quickly paused, and threw my whole body back. i closed my eyes for a few moments, realizing how idiotic i probably looked. and then i opened my eyes, and slowly walked down the hallway as if nothing had bothered me about coming down here. and then a wave of emotion came over me, as if i had been engulfed in a body of water that had taken over my oxygen supply. i silently went back to all the old days, and there was no stopping my mind anymore. and then the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened.
you looked right at me.
my heart stopped beating for what seemed like forever, and i couldn't even remember how to breathe. it had been so long since you had even turned your head in my general direction. but now, you were full-on staring at me. i quickly averted my eyes to the pale white tile below my feet, and started to grow very dizzy. i couldn't keep looking down, but i had to. i couldn't look up; not now. the hallway seemed to never end, and my head began to scream at me with pain. i quickly looked up, and realized i was almost to my final destination. and then i saw her...
i don't know who she is.
i've never seen her before.
maybe she's just a friend, or maybe she's my replacement...
but whoever she is,
she makes you happy like i've never seen before.
i hurried and quickly ran to the area where all my friends were, and slid my irritating body down the frigid cold brick walls.
"he actually looked at me today..."
i somehow choked out, as they all turned their heads toward me.
i had to make it into a joke for them, because that's what i always do.
it's what i'm supposed to do.
it's what i should do.
but inside my head, i didn't joke about it at all.
i felt my soul slowly start to break down, piece by piece, to the point where i literally had to stop myself from releasing a never-ending amount of tears.
all i could see were your perfect blue eyes, that pierced straight into my heart, and made me want to run and embrace you before anyone could stop me. i could hear your soft and gentle voice again, that used to bring me so much comfort on so many hopeless nights. i could see your smile, and it was enough to send tears straight to my eyes within seconds.
you were finally happy, and it nearly killed me.

i know i've said a million times that i want to move on from you, and that i can. which is partly true. i'm tired of sitting here day by day, constantly regretting every single word i said to you that cold september night. but i can't take any of it back. what's done is done, and everything happens for a reason. if we were really meant to be, things would've worked out. and now... you're happy. and to be completely honest, that's all i've ever wanted. that's the reason that tension built up between us. because i was fighting so, so hard for your happiness. you just never seemed to realize that...
but now i've done it effortlessly, it seems.
i've pulled myself out of your life, and i've given you more space than i thought was possible.
the choice was mine, and now i have to deal with the consequence:
her.
she's lovely, and has a certain charm to her. she's much prettier than i could ever hope or dream to be, and her smile speaks softly the words of her soul.
maybe she's no one special, but i can see it in your smile.
she brought the joy you so desperately need, back into your life.

as i arrived home from a hectic and horrific day of school, i lost myself in homework, and before i knew it i had to run to work. as i quickly prepared some soup for dinner before heading out the door, my dad silently put away some dishes. he began to speak and said, "he is so stupid, giving up a friend like you. what was he thinking? he probably made the worst mistake of his life." i quickly snapped my head over my shoulder and called him out on what he had said. "no," i said more quietly than i had anticipated. "he made the right choice. it's me who made the wrong choice. he's happy now, dad." my dad laughed and replied, "yeah, okay. give me one good reason why he shouldn't want you as his friend." the annoying beep of the microwave rang throughout my ears as i searched my soul for what to say next. and then it hit me...
"because i loved him, dad... but that just wasn't enough."
and then no more was said.
the story had ended, and i needed to get to work.

i'm a worthless soul, and a hopeless cause. i hope and pray that some day i'll finally be able to get over you. but even i know that's next to impossible.

i've built high walls around myself, and i refuse to let anyone tear them down anymore.
my trust is for myself, and nobody else.
my heart is an open wound that i hope heals soon...

{but honestly, your smile is lovely. it was wonderful to see your face light up again. smile more often. it makes you even more amazing.}


4 comments:

  1. Oh, darling.
    You break my heart, with your intensity, your reality.
    Beauty is such heartbreaking magic.

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  2. I know that you are going through a very difficult time right now, but what I find really beautiful about your post is the optimism in the end. Deep down, I can see you want move on from this - him, him and her, and I know that you will. Hold on to this hopefulness, for it will propel you through the hardest things in life - I love this about you.

    You are a wonderful person, Ashley, and you are going to find your soul mate one day, and when you do, it will so be worth the wait. <3

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  3. you have a very beautiful page... and mind

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  4. thank you, all of you.
    you all make my day so much better.
    i love you all. (:
    <3

    ReplyDelete

Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.

xx