Thursday, February 10, 2011

hope; i just need a ray of that.

i can feel him s l o w l y drifting away with every breath i take,
{and i absolutely love it.}

for the first time in a long time, today, i am genuinely happy.
{i even told myself i looked pretty today.}

no longer am i bound by the chains he wrapped around my soul, that drowned me in my own misery. i finally took the biggest risk i needed to; i spoke up. i talked it out with someone very close to him, and now i am able to walk strong, knowing i did everything in my power to save his soul.

at times i was his puppet, and he took full advantage of controlling my every move. the strings consisted of whispered lies and hateful rumors. i would walk along to the rhythm he told me to move at. and, even when he wasn't around, he still had power over me and he was well aware of that. i couldn't even breathe without him telling me how to do it the right way. he could take complete control of any of my emotions at any given second. i was blinded by his hatred and left broken by his constant lies that loomed within the air. it made it hard to see just how much control i gave him. i thought he was supposed to use me this way, as if i deserved it. but i was wrong. i had given my heart, soul, and mind to some ignorant boy who was struggling with letting go, himself. it was foolish and naive to let him have so much control of me. but today i am cutting off every string that he shot through my veins, and strung throughout my soul. i am freeing myself from the rhythm of his ways and making a beautiful melody of my own. i don't need to him to keep me happy, and i certainly don't need him to tell me who to be.

i'll admit that this may not be the end. the darkness may come over me again, and it may devour my soul entirely, once again. but i have made a promise to myself to shake it off, and remain strong. i have so many more important things to focus on, and so many new places and people to discover. i can't sit hopelessly in the waiting room, pleading for him to change and take me back. we all know that's never going to happen. so i'm going to try my hardest to not look back, after today. for the first time ever, i have complete faith in myself, and i'm so excited to see where this road will take me in my life.

so, even though he racked my soul with such depression for endless months, i appreciate every single ounce of pain he poured into my soul. it made me into such a different, and better person. it shaped my character in ways i didn't imagine were possible, and it's slowly teaching me how to love and accept myself for who i am... not who he wants me to be. he showed me beauty in so very many ways. in music, in song, in rain, in starry nights, and even in him and me. i would've never known such beauty of so many different things had he not shown me how to appreciate them on a whole new level. he brought such wonder and happiness into my life at the crucial time that i needed it the most, but didn't deserve it hardly at all. he was there when i needed a shoulder to cry on, and arms to run into. but most importantly, he showed me how harmful anger can be when you let it reside in your soul for too long... he let the anger that he created himself, build up. and eventually, one day, he exploded. he simply could not take it any more, and he had so many emotions bottled up within his fragile soul, that it all fell apart. but maybe this has not only shaped my character, but his, as well. and maybe it just so happens that i'm not the person to show him that. there's someone else out there who will do a far better job than i ever could. he is a remarkable human being, and i feel privileged just to say i was his best friend for nearly 2 years. i hope he gains everything he wants, and deserves in this life. he is worth oh so much, and needs even more than that.

he taught me more about myself then most people, and he will always remain close to my heart until the day i die.

who knows what will happen from here. what doors will open to unknown and exciting pathways in my life. maybe someday our paths will cross again, and we'll at least be able to be civil. but i can't sit around and wait for that anymore. i have so many opportunities and experiences that are much more important than trying to deal with all of his anger, and all of my sadness.
all i know is, i'm finally moving on.
and i'm loving every second of it.


oh, my lovely followers. thank you. thank you for your comments. even if you don't comment, thank you for sticking this out with me. thank you for your advice and your love, even when i was being completely outrageous and ridiculous. you are all such a huge inspiration to me, and i wouldn't be anywhere without your love and support. it's so insane how i've created such strong friendships with people i've only met on the internet, but i love it. i love you all. thank you for always being there.


  1. ♥oh my dear ashley, i'm happy to know that after everything, you have found your way to move on... you are a very beautiful and amazing woman... be strong, love. :)

  2. I love you.
    We're all learning.
    You're doing good. You're doing amazingly.

  3. I was blown away when I read your comment! Thanks so much, it makes me so happy when someone says something like that to me. >.<
    And also thanks for following me. :D

  4. Ashley, dear, I only just found your beautiful blog and I already feel attached to your writing. I am so glad to hear that you are doing well, and that you overcome your challenges. You have such a kind, warm soul. I am most definitely following you, ♥

  5. thank you very much! :)
    great blog.

  6. haze; thank you, my dear. you are far too kind. (: you are beautiful yourself, and will go so very far in this life.

    bella; oh bella, how i love you. you save me, my dearest friend. thank you for always being there.

    sabrina; haha you are amazing my dear. i don't know how else to put it (:

    joanna; i'm so glad you found my blog, and that now i can find yours. i can already tell you are so genuine and wonderful. thank you so much for your beautiful comment.

    mademoiselle C.B.; you are welcome! and thank you(:

    oh, i love you all.


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.