Wednesday, April 6, 2011

breathe me.

my heart is so heavy, as my mind fills with continuous doubt.
will we be okay in the end?
i want to take my delicate, weak mother and scoop her up within my shaking arms and carry her far, far away from this horrible place, and all of these menacing faces. especially her very own husband. i want to give her the life she deserves because he never could. i feel like such an absolute failure when it comes to my mother. i feel as if i have done nothing but cast a deep storm of pain into her soul, and racked it with pain all of these years. the fighting never stops, and my father continues to purge lies upon each one of us, as if that's the only thing he knows how to make sense of anymore.

life seems to continuously go against me in every single aspect.
i'm never happy anymore, and treat my very own best friends as if their strangers who have no business knowing what's really going on within this chaotic nightmare of my mind.
if anyone has more right to know, it's them.
but lately i have built such high, intimidating walls around every square inch of my body, soul, and heart. i'm so afraid to let people in, in sheer fright of them leaving instantly once they know the truth that lies behind all of these scars.

but early this evening i drove around my city, and took in all of its beauty as music slowly hummed in the background. i had needed this all week. i rode over hills and glided around curves as my soul quietly settled down. a song came on that i didn't recognize at first, and i curiously twisted the knob, aching to hear the words this song was projecting; i had an odd feeling i needed to hear it. the volume slowly increased until it was louder than most of my thoughts. as the song continued to pour throughout the car, i found myself almost breathlessly singing along. my soul slowly awakened, and the heaviness in my heart slowly lifted, leaving traces of goosebumps all over my dis-figured arms and legs...

"life's like an hourglass, glued to the table;
no one can find the rewind button.
so, cradle your head in your hands
and breathe... just breathe."

i'm going to be okay...

just breathe.



  1. I'm sure you'll be okay :) At least, you know that if everything gets really bad, you know that it can't get worst! Okay, that probably wasn't helpful, but I just hope that everything turns out well. :) That is basically the gist of my silly comment. Haha.

  2. Once again, your beautiful, emotional words take my breath away... :)

    Oh Ashley... it's thanks to you that your mother can still be happy at all. You make each other laugh and smile and you comfort each other in ways no else could ever understand. You are her reason for being, and the fact that you are so protective of her and love her so much only proves that you really are a good daughter, and that you care about her happiness more than anything... you are her angel.

    It only makes sense that you have built these walls around yourself. You were once much more open, weren't you? In a manner of speaking, your door was open to anyone who cared enough to want to go through and get to know you. But once the constant pain began to settle into your life and overwhelm you... you had no choice but to shut that wide-open door and lock it up tight, for fear of getting hurt again, because one girl, strong as she is, can only take so much pain... no one can blame you for being inward. All your friends want to do is help you in any way they can, and if that means simply being there, then we will do it. You don't have to do or tell anything that would make you uncomfortable. We will respect you and not try to pressure you into talking, and if you do decide to say anything, we will listen with open hearts and open minds. :)

    Interesting how that particular song came on. :) Maybe the lyrics were speaking to you specifically, and are a sign that things will get better... like you said... you're going to be okay... so just breathe. :) Love you forever, Ashley.


  3. of course you'll be okay, sweetie... we will all be, in the end... *hugs*

  4. Let us help you take those walls down, one brick at a time. Your soul needs to breathe. You're cutting off the sunlight, it needs to be flooded with its warmth. We need to believe that we will be okay in the end. If we believe it loud enough it might come true.
    Always remember to take time for yourself, even when you think there are a million more important things to do, remember that you play the leading role in your play. This is your stage, do what you need to do to keep on going.
    It will be okay, we will be okay, we must.

  5. just dropping by to say... missssssssss you :)
    hope everything's well, dear. keep smiling.



Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.