Thursday, April 21, 2011

i'm about to lose my mind.

today, everything hurts.
i somehow pulled myself together and went to my brother's college graduation.
i felt tears threatening to flow down my cheeks nearly every second i was there.
thank goodness other people were crying, too.
although i am extremely, and incredibly proud of him, i was not crying for his sake.
to be painfully honest, i do not know why i began sobbing uncontrollably.
it just happened.
and it happened again on the long and dark car ride home.

i haven't been this consumed by sadness or depression in a while.
pain will not leave me alone, and the demons of my past are slowly catching up to me.
i don't have the strength to keep running away from them anymore...

i don't know what's wrong with me.



  1. nothing wrong's with you, dear... it's not your fault to feel... it's not your fault that everything hurts... it's not your fault that sometimes you just don't care at all whether the tears fall from your eyes or your heart chose not to show them out...
    i hate when people tells us to be strong... that's why i won't tell you that FOR NOW. i know it's not what you need... instead, i'll tell you to let it fall... let it out... even if you don't say anything to anyone, let your own pain heal you, babe. i wish my arms are long enough to reach you... i love you ashley, you are beautiful. you are loved. don't ever forget that, okay?

  2. haze is right... none of it is your fault, Ashley. Maybe the worst of it is happening right now. The feelings may not be going away, but at least they can be replaced by momentary happiness. It's okay to cry... sometimes its really good to cry. We need to let out those bad feelings, one breath, one tear at a time. Unhappiness can't stick in a person's soul when it's slick with tears.

    Beautiful, wonderful Ashley... nothing is wrong with you. It's the horrible things happening around you that feel wrong. But not all is lost. Sometimes the rainbow is hard to see because its covered in fog, but its there. For now, by letting your tears flow freely, and by taking in the happiness that comes from those little moments, like watching a good movie, spending time with your loved ones, listening to a good song... heal yourself, one wound at a time...

    You have our love and support, Ashley. Always.



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