i sat at the piano that always seemed to mock me. it was always a re-assuring factor that i would never be able to get over this. i would never be able to let go of him.
every time i go to even touch a single key, my past comes rushing back and i pull back in fear. i gently close the case over the bright white and black keys and walk away. i never play like i used to, or even hardly at all. i only ever play if it's forced upon me. i used to be able to sit and loose myself in the music for hours on end, and find myself with an overwhelming happiness. but open wounds and un-forgettable memories has kept me from doing so.
and then i watch you play. i envy every single note and song you play flawlessly, because i can see the happiness it brings to you. i wish it wasn't such a negative thing in my life, but i can't change the events that happened. so i decide to just enjoy what you play, because i know that will never be me...
but then something un-expected happened.
one chilly night i decided to force myself to sit down at the piano and force myself to somehow begin to play. i slowly let myself go, and reached out to touch the cold keys. the memories instantly came rushing back to my mind, and left a feeling of depression. but this time, i started to feel the force inside of me take over, and i began to play. i watch my hands move along the keyboard, and sat in awe at how well i could still play certain songs. as i continued to play, i felt all the depression slowly start to fade away, note by note...
i sit confused as to why i suddenly have the courage and power to slowly tear down walls that i thought were permanently built around my heart and mind. i didn't know that this constant depression was something i could break free from. i didn't know just playing a few simple melodies could patch up each wound, and only leave slight traces of scars. i didn't know happiness could come from something that brought me so much depression at one time, it made me almost begin to cry. i contemplate why it doesn't feel as if someone has jabbed a knife into my back, and left me there to die. i watch my right hand dance freely around the keys, playing a series of random notes, and it hits me all at once.
you're the reason i can finally even look at the piano without depression attacking my mind and soul. you inspired me to be better, and stand up to my fears. you were the one who got so much happiness from it, and made it seem like such an easy task. i envied every note you played flawlessly. you showed me how to put the past behind me for good, and continue to look forward.
i don't know how i lived without this simple thing in my life for so long. i can't go through a day without sitting down for at least an hour and forgetting everything else in the world, and just letting myself get lost inside the melodies.
happiness works in strange ways...