Saturday, October 2, 2010

god must have spent a little more time on you.


you used to drive me absolutely insane... even the sight of you was enough to send a hateful chill up my spine. you thought you were so cool, and better than anyone could ever be. you hid behind the teasing and harsh laughter you threw in other peoples faces. you never cared what you said, or how your actions affected others. you just did what you wanted to do, because that was all that mattered. but underneath it all, you were just as lost and confused as anyone else. you had a sincere heart, and the ability to care for people. you just chose to never, ever let it show...

i went where so few souls have embarked. i went in and tried to break down the walls that you built so highly around yourself. i had a sudden urge to know who you really were, and what made you act the way you did. but in my first attempt, i soon found myself failing miserably. you had only hurt me, and others, in my trial to crack this mystery that was so far deep in your soul. so i gave in. it wasn't worth the constant pain and trial with no end result.

then the strangest thing i could've ever imagined happened.

you reached out to me when i needed to talk to someone...
i had to take a step back and make sure i wasn't dreaming. at first i sat and laughed at the message you had sent me through the computer. claiming you wanted to know what was wrong, and try to help. why in the world would you even care if i was still breathing? you had shown such hate and anger towards me, and my friends. there was absolutely no way i was going to let you know the constant melancholy feelings that lingered within my soul. but somehow you broke through to my soul. i ended up confessing every single horrible feeling that was wrapped around my mind. i hesitated in fear that you would through everything back at me, and accuse me of being exceptionally weak.. and then the real shock was sent through my bones: you actually told me you cared. even i knew this was borderline impossible... so i didn't let myself hopelessly believe it, only to get slammed down by my own weaknesses, yet again.

ever since that day, we talked here and there. sometimes our conversations included meaningful things, while others were just simple small talk that both of us would forget over time. i could tell there was something about you that made me continue to talk to you. there was no way i would just start talking to someone who had once made my daily routine such a struggle. but i couldn't figure quite figure it out. so i continued talking to you; aching to know what made me want to keep you around.

my answer soon came on a warm summer night. i remember it perfectly, as if it was yesterday. it had been a day of sadness and despair. nothing had been going right for months, and it had escalated to even more terrible things with each passing day. my life was becoming so terrifying, it brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it. i was watching a movie with my mom; my weak and tired body flopped on the couch. it was in the early, early hours of the morning and my eyes began to shut every few seconds, as my body begged for rest. then a shocking vibration came from underneath my arm, and made my whole body jump. to my surprise, i had a text from you. i opened it slowly, assuming our conversation would be full of more small talk. i began to go on about how it had been a terrible day, and suddenly you started to question everything i was saying. you wanted to know exactly what was wrong, and why i felt so sad. scared and afraid to let anyone know what was really going on, i replied by telling you i didn't trust you. my heart sunk down deep into my toes, as i hit "send," on the message, knowing i trusted you more than most people. you replied with a calm and sincere response, opposed to the harsh and aggressive one i expected to receive. you told me you cared, and that you would always be there, even if i didn't fully trust you. you told me that you understood why i wouldn't trust you, and how you hoped that someday i would be able to trust you... a huge smile broke out across my face, and i could've sworn i felt myself holding back tears of joy. i eagerly replied, telling you i had made a mistake in telling you i didn't trust you, and begged for you to believe me. of course, you understood why i had said that, and told me how glad you were that i trusted you.

now i know exactly what you've been hiding.

your amazing ability to care for others.

you can try to tell me it's just me who sees it in you, and you can tell me i'm the only person who will give you the time of day... but i know that's not true. people can see it in you... sometimes you just have to give it time, and show them that you have what it takes, first... that's the only reason i found out how truly caring you are. and you will never, ever know how thankful i am for everything you've helped me through.

you've been there whenever i needed you, ever since that dreadful summer night. i could say something pathetic and you would still reply with a sincere heart. you let me talk to you at any time that i need to. you care more sincerely for me than a lot of people i know. you amaze me more and more each time i speak with you. you always point out my strengths, and try to help me learn from my weaknesses. you always remind me what i mean to you. and you would never lie to me, or let me down. i swear you're like an angel of some sort, sent down to help me get through this rough patch in my life. i don't know how i got so lucky to have you by my side, but i wouldn't trade you in for the world...

i'm so glad i broke through the walls and discovered who you really were. had i not, i wouldn't be who or where i am today. you're easily one of the most fascinating human beings to walk this planet, and come into my life. i wish i could show you just how much you mean to me, and how much you continuously help me. then maybe you wouldn't doubt yourself, and maybe you would understand how much i truly need you. i hope i never lose you, or i may just go insane. you're one of the best friends a person could ask for; i'm so lucky to have you as one of mine.

i love you.

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