Tuesday, October 5, 2010

i find hope when i'm let down. i hope to lose myself for good.

i'm sick of this.

i'm so tired of going through each day, constantly making up excuses of why you don't even look at me anymore. or why you don't hardly say anything to me. or why you never come around anymore. yes, i know there's a legitimate reason for all of these actions, but i'm tired of constantly hiding behind it and lying to people.

but you know what bothers me the most?
you go around talking to almost every single person you come in contact with, except me.

when it comes to me you say as few words as possible, and you don't even smile hardly at all. you only talk to me if it's absolutely forced upon you, or if i say hi to you first. you can't hardly even text me anymore. and if you do, you act like a complete stranger who just wants to punch my face in, because that's how much i annoy you. you even act as if you're running away from me at times, and it makes me want to break down in the middle of the floor and scream and cry. do you suddenly think that all the nerves in my body have just shut down, and suddenly i can't feel anything? do you think that ice-cold stare you constantly seem to throw my way doesn't hurt my soul? i'm not a robot. i have a beating heart. it feels things. my nerves are also fully functioning.

i don't exactly know what to do anymore. your constant ignorance towards me almost tears my entire soul apart, day by day. i hate seeing you places, and not even feeling like i can look at you, or smile in your direction; nonetheless even consider saying, "hello."

our friendship which seemed so strong, has slowly started to un-fold right in front of my eyes. every single thing that used to hold us together, has only begun to pull us apart. it may not seem this way to you, but it's the absolute truth. every time i see you, it gets worse. every time i see you it's like another wound to add on my already beaten soul.

are you sick of me? did i do something so incredibly wrong? i just want to know. because i constantly stress over trying to make everything the way it needs to be. i try to give you distance, but i can only go so far away, until i come running back because of the ache in my heart that yearns to see you, or just hear your voice. if you're avoiding me, and don't want me around, just say so. believe it or not, i can handle it. i really can. it won't hurt me. at least not as bad as this is...

i can't do this anymore.

today was my breaking point. you came along, from talking to a good friend for an hour or so, laughing and almost skipping down the halls because you are so happy. and then you see me. and suddenly it's as if someone has just killed your joy and thrown you face first into the ground. you talk to me as if i'm something you have to settle for, or put up with. your emotion in your face vanishes right off into thin air. i'm sorry that you have to put up with me. i'm sorry you have to see me a lot. i'm sorry you don't want to talk to me. i'm sorry i make you feel worse. i'm sorry i can't seem to make you happy, no matter how many times i try. i'm sorry i'm just not good enough anymore. i don't know what made me good enough before, but i sure wish i knew now.

as much as i don't want to give in, or give up hope.. you've left me with no choice. this is too much emotional pain for me, and i can't even imagine what it's like on your end. this isn't healthy to continue to put myself through this constant torture. i try my hardest to just make a smile appear on your face, day by day. can you not see that...? am i not making it obvious? i'm sorry if i'm not, but i'm giving it my all. so if that isn't good enough, then nothing i can do is good enough either. i don't want to continue to slump around each day trying to think of some new way to keep you talking to me. i'm running out of energy.. i can't continue to rack my brain for ideas to keep your happiness alive, while mine slowly fades to the bottom, and continue to get negative results from you. i can't stay up another night worrying about how you are, or if you're safe. i just can't keep doing this. not if i plan to keep myself alive.

my only option is to walk away and move on...

i hate to do this, but it seems it's my only choice. i don't know who you are anymore, and i don't want to waste my time trying to bring the real you back..

but don't worry, i can take a hint.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.