Saturday, October 9, 2010

i want to show you i will run to you 'til i can't stand on my own anymore; i cross my heart and hope to die.

i'm tired.
no, i don't need to go take a nap, or fall into a deep sleep.

i'm tired of coming home to a house that will never feel like a home.
i'm tired of feeling like everyone judges every single move i make.
i'm tired of hiding behind every single thing i say, just so i don't hurt anybody.
i'm tired of being such a horrible person to everyone i come in contact with.
i'm tired of being haunted by the piano, and the memories that never leave me alone.
i'm tired of losing almost every single friend i have, even if they don't feel i've lost them.
i'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, just because i feel like such a complete failure and idiot. especially for being so pathetic to even cry.
i'm tired of hating every square inch of myself.
i'm tired of being such an idiot, and being so ignorant.
i'm tired of being afraid to say what i really think, in fear of being shot down to the ground.
i'm tired of hiding almost all my feelings because i know if they were known to anyone but myself, something completely horrible would happen.
i'm tired of feeling like i have absolutely no one to talk to because i'm such an annoyance.
i'm tired of feeling worthless.
i'm tired of coming home each day and seeing the piano.
i'm tired of lying to people about the piano, and how it doesn't scare me anymore.
i'm tired of looking at your notes and breaking down to the point where i can hardly breathe.
i'm tired of the sound of popping tobacco cans.
i'm tired of hearing my mom say she's missing pills.
i'm tired of coming home at least once a week and just bawling on the piano, because i feel like such a failure.
i'm tired of lying to everyone who asks me about him.
i'm tired of feeling like such a complete failure at everything i try.
i'm tired of being ignored.
i'm tired of trying with all my might, and getting nothing in return.
i'm tired of these constant wounds on my soul that never seem to heal.
i'm tired of having dreams where you come back.
i'm tired of seeing little blue cars, and wanting to start bawling.
i'm tired of never getting a reply from you.
i'm tired of even trying.
i'm tired of finding pills all over the house.
i'm tired of seeing your picture in the hallway right by my locker every single day.
i'm tired of feeling like nothing will ever change in my life.
i'm tired of being absolutely terrified to come home by myself.
i'm tired of caring for people that don't even care if i'm dead or alive.
i'm tired of being used and thrown down.
i'm tired of waking up each day, disappointed that i made it through the night, and regretting each breath i take.

i'm tired of living.

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