Tuesday, October 12, 2010

i don't want "us" to be the end of me. this love is taking all of my energy.

i didn't plan for things to end as quickly as they did.
but some things are completely out of my control.

i've tried absolutely every single thing that a human being could possibly do, to make you happy. day after day, i've bent over backwards for you. i put aside all of my own happiness and focused solely on you. i used every last ounce of my energy putting forth effort just to see that familiar smile creep along your face. i make an effort each day to go out of my way and try to talk to you.
i've grown weary trying to come up with new thoughts and ideas.

every single thing i do is just another mistake to you.

do you not see the constant battles i fight each day, trying to please you? i understand that things get rough, and it's hard to be happy. believe me, i know. but that gives you absolutely no right to use me shamelessly and kick me to the ground. i'm only trying to help you. can't you see that? i've kept this in so long, afraid of how it would wound your soul, but i just can't take this anymore.

you constantly find new ways to hurt me each day. every step i take is a bad choice, and every word i say offends you in some way. you constantly throwing everything on me. how is this my fault? i'm only breaking my back to help you be happier, and literally draining myself of all my energy by talking to you day after day. i have stood by you from the start, and never once have i complained. i've always been there for you. i've never accused you of doing anything wrong, or bringing any melancholy feelings into my soul. so what have i done wrong? because as of now... you are the one causing all the problems...

first, you tell me how utterly horrible i am.
really? i'm so horrible that you let yourself fall for me, and constantly ran through your thoughts each day? what have i done that's horrible? tried to keep you happy? talked to you? stood up for you in front of other people? supported you? well i'm sorry. really, i am. i didn't think i was bringing more pain and stress upon you, but apparently i am. i'm so very sorry, it'll never happen again.

then you tell me everything i'm doing wrong.
i ignore you. i generalize things about you. i assume things. i talk too much. i don't talk enough. i can't stand to be away from you for a whole entire day. i make my problems, yours. i'm horrifying to talk to. i'm too uptight. i'm angry. i'm too depressed. i don't know you like other people do.
oh i ignore you, do i? last time i checked, i put forth an effort to talk to you, or at least text you, every single day. why? to keep you happy. you act as if it's my job. how can you get mad at me for doing what you expect me to do? i generalize and assume things? i'm sorry, but no. no i do not. generalizing would be as if someone simply told me, "i think you're ugly." and i assumed they absolutely hated every fiber of my being. but when you go up to my best friend, well aware of her emotional un-stability, and tell her you'd love to see her kill herself... there's not much to generalize. you flat out told it to her face, and i was by her side. you can't ignore it, or erase it. and then i try to explain why that was such a terrible choice, and you laugh hysterically to yourself as if i'm the biggest idiot you've met, and just walk away. i talk too much? but not enough? could you make up your mind, please? the only reason i seem like i can't stop talking to you, is because YOU assume that i automatically hate you, or you did something horribly wrong. so i've continued to make an effort to save you from confusion. i thought i was doing something good. i have never once made one of my problems yours. i've only simply talked about it to you, and pleaded for advice or just a listening ear. but apparently i've just become more of a burden.

i don't know you like other people do.
this couldn't be more true. i used to, but it seems i don't anymore. because i have absolutely no idea who you are anymore. you're putting on a show for all these other people, and masking yourself with a fake happiness. why you would choose to let out your true anger, on someone you supposedly care so much about, is beyond me...

i'm horrifying to talk to. i'm too uptight. i'm angry. i'm too depressed.

really? i'm that bad, am i? well, as much as i hate to be harsh, i'll give you a simple answer. would you like to know why i'm always in such a bad mood lately? why i'm too uptight, angry, and depressed?
as sad and terrible as that sounds, i can't lie anymore: it's completely true. i'm spending every single minute on your happiness. i've turned my own happiness into yours. i'm putting all my effort into you, and none of it into myself. how can i continue to be happy when there's no happiness there? i'm uptight because i don't know what to do anymore. i honestly don't. every move i make is wrong to you, and you just use it against me. everything is my fault. i'm angry because i continue to try and try, and you continue to kick me harder and harder. i can't take anymore of this constant wear and tear with you. i honestly can't.

it's starting to take over me.
along with becoming emotionally tired, i can't handle it physically, either. i wake up each morning with a screaming headache, due to the constant thoughts that rush through my head on how to please you. i stress myself out too much, and my head gets the worst of it. my neck and back ache in reply, because i'm too tense all day, due to the constant aggravation you throw upon me. i fall asleep in tears because i don't want you to be so upset with me. i'm only trying my hardest to please you. i don't want to make things worse. after a while, my eyes start to scream in pain and beg me to stop the constant crying. i get dizzy and can't think straight because i can't focus on anything but your harsh words that constantly flow through my ears and run around my mind..

i honestly cannot go on any longer. you've pushed me too far. as much as i want to just lay down my life and put all my devotion into your happiness, i can't. i have bigger problems that constantly give me my daily fill of drama, pain, and sadness. i don't need anymore of it from you.

i'm sorry that i seem so terrifyingly horrible to you. really, i am. i never meant to be such a horrible person, or a burden. my only goal from day one is to please you, and keep a smile on your face. but i guess i just can't do that anymore.

you've changed, and i've grown tired of trying.

so, goodbye.

i'll really miss you...

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