Sunday, November 21, 2010

i can't figure out what's wrong.

My mind was racing at a million miles per hour. I couldn’t focus on what I was doing, and I was constantly repeating my actions over and over because I was too distracted by my own thoughts. It was a stormy and dreary Saturday, but there seemed to be an extra hint of sadness looming around in the air. The fumes of chemicals danced into my nose and caused my head to scream at me in pain. But I couldn’t stop now, I had to finish cleaning my bathroom. My mom had told me so. As I rounded the corner of the wall with my mop, a small voice inside of my head yelled at me to text you. I silently replied to myself, “No. Not now.” It was a good thing no one was around me, or they’d think I have gone completely crazy. (Which, maybe I have.) As I finished mopping the floor, I let myself take a break from the intoxicating smells and silently slid down the wall while I grasped my phone in my hands. “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t. Do. It.” I silently whispered to myself, over and over again. My fingers took over, and there was no turning back. I frantically began pressing buttons, and somehow managed to get your number typed out. I forced myself to stop, and not go any further. My fingers rebelled and continued to type a message.

“It would be lovely if you could just talk to me for a few minutes.”

“YOU IDIOT!” I screamed at myself. I threw my phone against the door and silently laid my tired and aching body on the uncomfortable and out-dated light blue carpet. “Oh well,” I silently said to myself. “He won’t reply anyways.” The moment those words left my lips, a ground-shaking vibration was sent through the floor. I snapped up and crawled frantically over to my phone. It read, “1 New Text Message from: Him.” My heart started pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode. My hands began shaking like I hadn’t eaten in days, and all the color flushed out of my face. I couldn’t believe you actually replied. I opened the text all too quickly, and was only left with disappointment.

“I’d rather not.

My shaking quickly increased until my whole body was overwhelmed with a shaking movement. A cold chill ran up my spine, and sent chills throughout every inch of my body. My eyes began to fill with unknown tears that seemed to say everything I couldn’t say even if I tried. My heart sunk into my toes, and I slowly let my phone down to the ground. I curled up into a ball on my bedroom floor, and let the tears fall where they wanted to. Before I knew it, I was uncontrollably sobbing. Between gasps of air, I somehow choked out,

“He really is gone. Forever…”

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