Tuesday, November 9, 2010

looking back at what you got me through.. you knew me better than i knew myself.

i never give you enough credit.
i'm not a very good or supportive friend to you. i'm not worthy of the "best friend," title that you give me. i suppose maybe i used to be, or maybe i still am.. but i haven't helped you out nearly as much as you've helped me.

even from the time we were three-year-olds, whose only real drama was who's necklace was bigger when we played dress-ups, you were always there. you were there for me when i missed my mom so much i began to sob uncontrollably, and you held me next to you and silently sang the words of a song from tarzan that was playing in the background of your mom's old mini-van. you whispered, "i will be here, don't you cry. cause you'll be in my heart. yes, you'll be in my heart. from this day on, now and forever more.." your sweet little innocent voice filled my soul with such joy and magically made the tears just disappear.

now here we are, nearly ten or eleven years later.

you've been with me through it all; thick and thin. the night my family was torn apart by the fragile thread that held it together, you were the first one to send me a text telling me how much you loved me, and re-assured me that i was going to be able to get through this, because i would always have your support.

but it's not just me who's had pathetic and serious problems... you've had your fair share, too. you've seen more than a person your age should have to see. you've seen your entire family be shattered into a million little pieces. you've had to give up your home in california, and re-locate to utah. your dad has exposed you to so many worldly things that i'm sure you can't even comprehend at this moment. you've been scared at far too early of an age. but somehow, you've held on. and you're stronger than even i am..

i remember one night in particular... you were at my house for the evening. we had spent the day being silly little girls goofing off and of course we had gone shopping. we were loosing ourselves in music and dance. making up moves as the lyrics poured out of my little hello kitty boom-box. suddenly i rushed up the stairs to get us some water. when i came back downstairs, i found you curled up on my couch that was older than both of our ages combined. i rushed over to you. i heard you sobbing and quickly threw the cups of water on the ground, spilling them all over. i flipped you over and asked you what was going on, as panic took over my entire soul. you quietly rubbed your eyes and told me those words that i will
never forget...

"ashley, i don't think you realize just how lucky you are...
you have a dad. and he loves you.
that's all i want..."

at the time, i didn't realize just how right you were about having a dad. but now we're both dad-less. they've both proven to us that you can never have happiness while being completely wicked. they've also shown to us that lying will get us absolutely nowhere...

along with these sad times, i've shared some of the greatest times of my life with you. we've gone everywhere in-between here and cali. at least twice. you were there when i had my first "crush," and i was there for yours. we've always been a two-packaged deal, and we've never known how to do anything without one another. we have marathons with ridiculous tv shows that everyone else thinks are dumb. we understand each other better than most people even understand themselves. we've been each others best friends since we were in diapers. we have bigger dreams than even our own minds can handle. we've laughed so hard we've stopped breathing for at least two minutes. we have the strangest traditions that don't even make sense when we try to explain them to other people. we like all the same things, and dis-like the same things. we've been through hell and back... and we've never given up on each other.

so if there is one thing i could say to you now, it would be this:
i love you to pieces. don't ever, ever, ever forget that. i'm so sorry that i seem to take you for granted. i really don't. you are easily one of the strongest people i know to walk this earth. i wouldn't be even half of the person i am today, without you. i cherish every single one of our memories. you may be younger than me, but you're still one of my biggest inspirations. [not just in height. someday i'll be taller. okay, maybe not..] you are so amazing, and you don't deserve any of this crap you've been put through, and continue to get you through. i'm so glad you've always been there for me. i will
always be here for you. whether you like it or not. i love you. to the moon. and back. and then around a few times. then around one more time. and back.

i love you, rachel lynn.

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