the silence scares me, because it screams the truth.

"and you know.. it doesn't help to make believe that you are right behind me saying it's okay. longer days, more time to sit and watch the pendulum sway.
in quiet rage i'm staring at this empty notebook page.
at times like these i feel like i'm done with feeling.
i feel like i want to stop the pain from healing because i feel like i'm the only one who's ever felt this way.
some days in a daze, there's brighter days.
funny how the feeling never stays.
but I know I'll have to come to terms when I'm awake,
thinking about you is the icing on the cake.
it makes me realize the fact you're gone.. for good.
when we meet again I'll ask you how you're doing.
you'll say fine, and ask me how I'm doing,
and then I'll lie and I'll say, 'Ordinary.'
It's just an ordinary day..."

i'd be lying if i told you that i didn't miss you, or that you never crossed my mind. because i do miss you. more than i ever thought i could miss a person. you run circles around my mind continually, and you never leave...

i fall asleep each night with a silent prayer that maybe the next day you'll glance my way and smile, or maybe you'll pick up the phone and send me a text. then i slowly doze off into a deep sleep. you are always the main character in my dreams. sometimes you come back to me, and tell me just how much you've missed me.. and we go back to how things used to be. and sometimes... it's worse than reality. you come to me screaming at me how horrible i am, and can't even hardly stand to look at me. i beg and plead for you to just listen to the pathetic words i have to say, but you continue you turn away. then i find myself gasping for air with tears pouring down my face as i get shaken awake by my own terror. and then i realize it was all just another beautiful nightmare...

these days, i don't even feel like getting out of bed. i feel like sitting there forever, and letting my pathetic corpse morph into the mattress. what's the point in getting up anymore, if i won't be able to see your face, or hear your voice?

i can literally feel my own thoughts dragging me down. my heart has a certain heaviness to it that will never go away, and it continues to get heavier each day. but other days, i feel as if there's nothing there. just a shallow empty space where a heart should reside. a space that someone smashed their fist into, and didn't care to patch up the wounds.

i hate this feeling that racks my soul with sadness and depression. i hate knowing that i can't even talk to you anymore, because of silly little things that won't even matter in ten years. i just can't stand being away from you..

i wish i knew how to get over you. people tell me to get over you all the time. but they don't know how i felt about you, or how perfect you were to me. they weren't there the night you told me how you thought we were meant to be. they weren't there when you simply grabbed my hand merely to look at my bracelets, and butterflies instantly filled my stomach. they weren't there when it rained, and i swore i could've sat there with you, listening to music, for the rest of my life. they weren't there when i realized just how amazing and incredible you are.. and they certainly weren't there when you told me you loved me.

i wish i could learn from this, and move on to be a better and stronger person. and at times, i feel i can or even have gotten over you. but then just the slightest thought of you comes back, and i know there's no way these feelings for you will ever go away...

but, truth is: you're never coming back...


confession: i love you.
so, so much...