Wednesday, December 8, 2010

i'm asking you for help; i am going through hell. i'm afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice..

... i'm alone.
i've lost everyone.
no one is here anymore to hold my hand as i cross the hectic streets of life, or comfort me when i can't sleep at night as nightmares slowly dance around my mind.

i'm tired of this constant feeling of loneliness and despair that never leaves my soul. i can't shake this sadness off of me, and i'm starting to think that maybe i will never be able to.
everyone has stripped me of what they wanted, and thrown me to the ground to rot and die. nobody cares. i need to start accepting the fact that i've left my impression on many people. it's not a good impression, and it's never going to change; we live in a harsh society.
i need to accept that i'm alone, and just might stay that way for the rest of my life.

i go throughout each day with glares from new people each time. innocent souls and faces that i can't even put names to. they've never crossed my paths until now; what a lovely introduction. each one of them pierces straight into my soul, and leaves a new scar upon my already fragile heart. a soul can only take so much wear and tear. when will you stop feeding every person you come in contact with, lies about me?

obviously can't see your own face. but if looks could kill, you'd be the one to send me to my grave. i wish i could take a fragile mirror and shine it in your face, so you could see how bitter you look when you pinch your lips as you glance at me, and bring them together like you taste something sour. i wish i could show you the hatred that burns like a fire in your eyes. i wish you could see the way you walk when you're around me, and how ridiculous you look as you quickly increase your pace, and then slow down. but most of all, i wish i could look you in the eyes, and ask you what you truly see inside of my soul. because all i can seem to find anymore is darkness, and despair. all the joy that used to fill my eyes has left. you always told me there was a certain brightness to my eyes that made me glow. but someone turned out the lights, and broke the light-switch. i'll never be the same again.

not only did i lose him that cold november night, i also lost you. i don't know how, and i don't know why. obviously i didn't lose you for good because i know that will never ever happen; our friendship is worth too much. and maybe i really didn't lose you. but it certainly feels that way to me.. it seems as though us three held each other together. we were so happy. we spent endless weekends together. even if we just sat there and talked, it didn't matter; we were happy. but stupid me, always choosing wrong, i've seem to have lost you, too. it breaks my heart in two every time i think of all of our good times. it kills me inside to know that because of my careless ways, i may have ruined everything between us. i miss talking to you, even though i do almost every week, i feel like we don't hardly talk at all. we keep so much from each other. and i don't like it. not one bit.. because only a few months ago, it used to be the complete opposite..

some days i lay my restless body on the couch and beg and scream at myself for something new. i clench my fists together, and sit there curled up in a ball on the floor, not even caring if i stay there for the rest of my life. i want to find something that will get this horrible monster that resides within me, out. i feel as if i've been bound by permanent chains of depression, and thrown into the sea. no one is there to save me. i'm just left to silently float to the bottom, and never come up.

i'm turning into who i used to be. i can feel it with every move i make and each new friend i lose.
i can see it in my grades and my personality.

i'm {scared} to be alone.

i don't want to be alone.
but no one ever said life was going to be fair.


  1. You are beautiful, Ashley. And you are not alone. I will hold your hand, if you allow me to. I know this overwhelming fear of loneliness all too well, but knowing this, I can also offer hope, because I know that you can find your way back to a not-so-lonely place. You have to make peace with your solitude first.

    I am sorry that you have lost such important people in your life, and I wish that I knew more, so I could somehow help you. There is always a way to salvage what is lost, if deep down it is truly what you want.

  2. Oh, you are so wonderful. I'm so glad you know where I am coming from. It brings me so much comfort.

    No need for sorry's. I'm slowly beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason, and it is my job to make that a good reason. Not a bad one.
    Thank you for your comment. You are amazing. <3


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.