Monday, December 6, 2010

how can my heart possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with?

that's all you are, ashley.
so tell me, are you proud?

it's true.
that's all i am these days.
just another worthless soul lost in the mix of the chaotic and repulsive society.
i have nothing to offer the world. i'm lazy and selfish. i'm a brat, and i seem to make people hate me faster than your mind can probably process every single world on this simple post.
i've lost almost every single one of my friends that i've ever had. most of them just leave without any explanation.
some of them leave the answers hidden beneath their eyes. i can see it every time i simply glance at them. others do it simply through something as simple as a cell phone. they avoid me, even in worthless text messages that don't mean anything to hardly anyone anymore. or some people let me know just how much my presence and existence repulses their soul. they glare me down, and send people to listen to my conversations. they memorize my schedules, and make sure they never ever have to see me.
some people can't even handle being my friend on something as simple as a social-networking site. the very thought or sight of my name makes them want to run away screaming.

it's no wonder nobody talks to me anymore, or ever comes to me.
they would only be setting themselves up for failure.

i've run out of energy, and i'm tired of trying to fix these gushing wounds that have taken over every square inch of my body. and frankly, i've just lost all interest in life lately. i'm too worried and scared to sleep, but too tired in the early hours of the morning to pull my huge body out of bed and go to school. if i had it my way, i would sit in bed all day, and slowly wait for my body to shut down, piece by piece, until i quietly slip away from this hateful world.
each day i sit and stare aimlessly at myself in the mirror as i quietly get ready. i look at how horrible i look, and just how disgusting i am. soon, words begin to overflow my mind, and pound into my ear drums as my eyes seem to agree.
"you're so stupid. you lose everyone you ever come in contact with. you're ugly. you're horrible. you're worthless. no one cares. why would they? you are a disappointment to everyone.
why are you still here?"
i don't know.
i question that millions of times. i can't seem to bring anyone joy anymore. i've been swallowed up in the waves of my own depression. i've forgotten how to bring happiness to others, or even keep my own delicate flame of happiness alive. i'm just another teenager lost in the mazes of life. i'm not anyone special, or anything to shout about. my grades are average, but slowly slipping under. i just don't care about anything the way i did before. so, as you can see... the world could handle losing me.
i'm just another teenager.
i'm hiding behind more pain than even i can comprehend.
there's plenty more out there.
what's the hurt in losing one?

Life: 1,293,403,264,657
Ashley: o


  1. Oh, ashley. This breaks my heart into a million pieces... I want to reach across oceans and storms and flooded rivers, I want to fly through skies and over lands, to find you, hold you, save you, from such terrible words.
    Please, don't you see? Why, you are so much; so so much brilliance, so much light and energy, it is almost unbearable. You are such a magnificence, you amaze me each moment I read your words, your thoughts.
    Please, when you are such a wonder to simply one person across the world; surely you must see, there is no way you can be at all, just another teenager...
    No, you are so much more.
    Please, please believe it.

  2. You brighten my day every time I get a comment from you. Your words are so beautiful. And you are just so wonderful.
    Thank you.

  3. Ashley i couldn't stand to lose you my life would be nothing with out you

  4. Aww. Thanks, Mason. You're the best, and you brighten my day every single day(:


Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.