Wednesday, December 1, 2010

i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders; a family in crisis that only grows older.

i'm lost and confused.

i silently laid my tired and aching body down on the pale blue carpet that seemed to shape perfectly to the figure of my body. i pressed my ear against the rough carpet, trying to hear just what exactly was going on. i could hear the yelling easily. it was echoing off of every single wall within my fragile house. the yelling suddenly increased, and my body cringed in reply. i formed myself into a ball, and slid my knees up so they were just barely kissing my chin. "i can't do this anymore. i thought this was all over." i silently thought to myself. the yelling slowly subsided to a low mumble of slurred words and continuous lies; they figured out i was listening. well, how could i not? it had become so loud, every single area of the house was within range of hearing every single word that was being said within the small kitchen on the main floor. i forced myself to get up off the cold floor. they would be coming upstairs soon, and i didn't want them to see me this way. i picked myself up and began distracting myself with my laptop. but even the internet couldn't save me now. the fighting picked back up, and now everyone but me was involved. i listened as everyone spat fire at each other, and literally broke each other down. a horrible, dark, and sinister power overcame my whole entire soul as i heard the words they so harshly and bluntly screamed. i glanced up and saw my bed. it was almost midnight at this point. i figured maybe sleep would be a good decision. i crawled anxiously into my bed in hopes that i would be able to sleep and escape reality, if only for 6 hours or so. i fell into a dreamless sleep, with hopes that tomorrow would bring along some type of hope.

as the fates would have it, the next brought along no signs of hope whatsoever. with constant tension running steady throughout the whole house, it was hard to feel anything but pure hatred. dinner was eaten in complete silence, opposed to the uplifting and funny meals we used to have. everyone almost inhaled their food, and quickly left the table, anxious to go back to their various hiding spots. i sat there, alone. i've never been a fast eater, and i don't enjoy just hurrying through my meals. i quietly ate my food all by myself. the tension that had been built during the meal was now left upon my shoulders and surrounded every inch of me. as i glanced up at my clear cup of water, i noticed the condensation slowly gliding down each side of the cup. my soul suddenly turned as cold as the ice that bobbed up and down inside of the glass. it sunk in just how true this scenario was in my own life. i'm completely alone. everyone takes what they want from me, and they do it as quickly as possible. then they just throw me aside, and kick me to the curb. no one truly cares, or sticks around long enough to really know who i am, or what i'm going through. or frankly, some people just don't care whatsoever. and sadly, i don't blame them.

the night continued on, and i finished up with my dinner. i set down the breakable dishes in the sink and sauntered up the stairs into my bedroom which had been taken over by my mom. i put on a huge hoodie to keep me somewhat warm, without even saying a word to my mother. i grabbed my homework, and headed for the basement; there was nowhere else for me to go. all the other rooms in the house were being occupied, and i certainly was not welcome. i carefully tip-toed down the stairs of the frigid cold and dark basement. i turned on the light, as the cold and chilly air silently ate away at every inch of my skin. i started my homework, and finished in record time. i had nowhere else to go... so i sat down there for what seemed like hours. i talked to myself, and even tried to entertain myself. but all of my attempts failed. i laid myself down on the floor, because that was the only thing that i could do without hurting myself, or anyone else, at this point. i stared aimlessly at the ceiling, memorizing each line and imperfection in the wood. i heard my mom obnoxiously yell my name. i replied to her halfheartedly, and finally agreed to come upstairs since my dad had left. my brother lifted my soul and filled it with joy for a few minutes, but i was stripped of the joy he had given me, within the next hour.

i set out for the basement yet again, but this time i actually wanted to. i began running on the treadmill, wishing i could just runaway from everything that was going on. i watched my feet flail back and forth, over the dark black runway. my head become dizzy, and i liked the feeling. then i heard something unfamiliar. i shut off my ipod and pulled the treadmill to a dead stop. the loudest cries and screams were pouring out from underneath the basement door. i ran over to the bottom of the stairs, and silently slid my body down the wall until i reached the ground. i pulled my legs up to my chest and held myself together as i listened to the endless battle that was going on upstairs. my parents went back and forth, screaming so loudly at each other, i thought our house might just crack under the pressure. my body began to shake with terror, and tears fell freely and landed on the cold and hard ground beneath me. "i'm so tired of this." i whispered to myself between sobs. "i can't do this anymore." the fighting went on for hours but finally came to a halt. i finally got to go into my own bedroom after about 3 hours of being stuck in the basement. i quickly tried to prepare myself for bed, so that i could get away from all of the hell that was breaking loose around me. my attempt failed within minutes, and the yells and screams picked right back up. i finished up getting ready and threw the large black and white comforter over my freezing cold and weak body. i buried my head in my pillow and silently thought to myself, "when will this ever end...?" and just before i fell into a deep sleep with more nightmares than usual, the last thought that entered my mind was,
"maybe if you would stop causing everyone to leave you, you wouldn't have to do this alone. and maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have to be so miserable..."

welcome to my nightmare.

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