Saturday, February 19, 2011

as many times as i blink i'll think of you tonight.

"In time the glowing, cratered moon began its seeming rise from the sea, casting a prism of light across the slowly darkening water, splitting itself into a thousand different parts, each more beautiful than the last.
At exactly the same moment, the sun was meeting the horizon in the opposite direction, turning the sky red and orange and yellow,
as if heaven above had suddenly opened its gates and let all its beauty escape its holy confines.
The ocean turned golden silver as the shifting colors reflected off it, waters rippling and sparkling with the changing light, the vision glorious, almost like the beginning of time.
The sun continued to lower itself, casting its glow as far as the eye could see, before finally,
slowly, vanishing beneath the waves.
The moon continued its slow drift upward, shimmering as it turned a thousand different shades of yellow,
each paler than the last, before finally becoming the color of the stars.
Jamie watched all this in silence, my arm tight around her, her breathing shallow and weak. As the sky was finally turning to black and the first twinkling lights began to appear in the distant southern sky,
I took her in my arms. I gently kissed both her cheeks and then finally, her lips.
'That,' I said, 'is exactly how I feel about you.'"
- A Walk To Remember

i remember reading this book, about 10 or so hours before it had to be done, and i had to be able to write a paper on it. i flipped through the pages vigorously, just wanting to get it over with. then i stumbled upon this quote, and found myself speechless. it was so beautiful, and thoughtful. i ached to feel that way about someone, someday. but i wasn't very hopeful, seeing as the demons of my past refused to let me move on.

i remember going to class the next day, and feeling successful that i had finished the book completely. my paper turned out to be a simple review of the book, and i found myself going on and on about how wonderful the book was. then there was a portion about my favorite quote, and i nearly jumped out of my seat with all of the excitement of knowing i could share that quote. i scribbled it on the blank sheet of lined paper, as my pencil was brought to life. my teacher anxiously called for us to get into groups and share them. she broke us into groups of the three desks that were surrounding us. i turned around, and viewed my group. her, obviously. but it's okay. i liked her. oh, and her. she's sweet. this will be fine. and... him. oh. poor guy.
i was in his group. but of course, i thought absolutely nothing of it at the time.
we scooted our desks close together, and somehow i got nominated to share my book review first. i went on about the beauty and incredible writing that resided within this book and started to notice how un-easy he was becoming. he would tap his fingers viciously against the fake wood desks, and every time that i would glance at him, he would whip his head in the other direction. i finally finished up, seeing as most people knew what went on in the book.
"so, yeah. then you all know how the ending goes." i said.
"yeah... it's just so sad." she said with a sigh.
"wait, what happens?" he questioned.
and then we locked eyes, if only for a moment as i told him how she dies, but the boy continues to live a successful life, and become a much better person.

as i was walking outside yesterday, i noticed the sunset, slowly forming withing the bright blue sky. i ran inside and grabbed my camera, and snapped several photos of the beautiful sight. i thought back on this quote, and happiness filled my soul, as goosebumps lined my arms. i thought of him, and his simple, but breathtaking smile.
yes.. that quote was exactly how i felt about him.

oh, is it so horrible that i feel so strongly about this simply remarkable boy that i have only spoken with a few times?
he is just so remarkably beautiful, and i can't help but absolutely adore every fiber of his being. he has brought me such deep and powerful happiness with only a few words, and occasional smiles. things that would typically drive me insane with anyone else, don't annoy me when it comes to him. he could tap my shoulder repetitively or smack his gum in my face for hours, but i wouldn't care. i would be so captivated by his beauty, that there would simply be no room for irritation. he sparkles like the sun, and shines upon everyone he comes in contact with. when i see him in the halls, my heart slowly melts, and my whole entire day is made. his voice is like a warm comforting blanket that slowly drapes over my fragile body on a cold winter night. he is the goodness that i seek so diligently for, and ache to obtain.
oh, i just adore him.

i want to run up to him, and embrace him. tell him all of my hidden thoughts and deep, dark secrets. i want to be able to run to him when i desperately need someone, or just a shoulder to rest upon. i want him to be my friend, and promise to remain by my side. i want to show him all of the goodness that he has brought into my life in just this short amount of time. but most of all..
i just want him to care.

am i in over my head?
maybe, maybe not.
but as of right now, i could care less.
i'm headed down a road that curves and bends every which way. i have no idea where i'm headed, or where i'll end up. but for once... i don't care one bit.


  1. Aww! Ashley... your post made my day brighter. darling, you should tell him what you feel, that you want him to be your friend... i think it will make you BOTH happier :)

    love, haze!

    p.s i heart A Walk To Remember... Favorite Movie of all time :)♥

  2. Wow... that quote from A Walk to Remember was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. :) I think it's so sweet that you've connected the quote with your feelings for him. It's great that you're ready to plunge into the unknown with this boy. And the fact that you don't know what'll happen, but you're ready to find out and face it... it's fantastic.

    What a wonderful feeling. :)

  3. That was beautiful and heartbreaking. Having those feelings for someone is wonderful, but having to hide those feelings inside is painful.

  4. so beautiful I wish I could feel love, maybee soon?

  5. That was an incredible quote from walk to remember, and I loved what you wrote here. It is wonderful to see/hear of young love. I know it's difficult, especially when you have to hide how you feel, letting someone know how you feel is even harder, but I do hope you two find a way to express how you feel about each other, and I hope that when it does, it fills you with incredible joy and wonder. You aren't over your head at all, to allow yourself to experience these feelings, despite being hurt in the past, well that is amazing you know? Many people shut down, but this, in you, I see great strength, and even more such optimism and love. You are a beautiful soul.


  6. Haze; I'm glad I at least put a smile upon your face today :) I did, in fact, send him a message on facebook telling him that we should be friends. I know it's totally informal, but I just never get the chance to talk to him at school anymore. So, I have to start somewhere. :) I love you, my dear. Thank you for your always wonderful words.

    Becca; Oh, my dear sweet becca (: Who knows how well it will really end up... But as of right now, I just don't care. Clearly, you must think I'm insane, especially seeing how I act at school. Haha. Oh well. Thanks for your comment(:

    Eva; Thank you! Yes... It is hard to hold them inside. So unbelievably hard... But it's worth it, to me. I don't want to have too strong of an approach, and scare him away. Typically I rush right in with these things. But for some reason, with him, I'm perfectly content with waiting. Thank you for your words.

    Savanna; Thank you, my dear. I'm sure your time will come, and it will be completely worth the wait. It is a beautiful, but patience is also a huge part of it. It just takes time. But I know you will be loved sometime soon (:

    Philosophia; I THOUGHT YOU LEFT! My heart literally stopped when I saw your beautiful comment! Oh, how I've missed seeing your comments on my posts. I'm so glad you commented on this one. It is difficult, hiding all these amazing emotions that I have for him. But for some reason I really don't mind, when it comes to him. He's worth the wait. He's worth everything. Some day, maybe we will both be able to confess that we have mutual feelings for each other. And maybe, we won't. Either way, I'll be perfectly fine. I'm glad you consider this strength... I'd have to disagree on that (; Haha! But thank you, thank you. I love you and am SO glad I got to hear from you!

    I love you all!



Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.