Sunday, February 27, 2011

i'm crying for things that i tell others to do without crying.

i don't know what to do anymore.
i thought i was doing better.
i thought life was finally getting better.
but no, that would simply make things much too simple.

last night i received a text last night from an unknown number. i stared at my phone, puzzled and scatterbrained trying to think of who it could be from.
"hey what is ur problem?!"
i thought to myself, well i have many problems. it's probably easier to ask what problems i don't have. i replied asking who it was, but truly not caring. why should i get so upset at them for asking a truthful question? i simply replied asking who it was, and i waited impatiently for their reply. i wanted to know who in heavens name was texting me. seconds turned into minutes, and minutes seemed to turn into hours, before i finally felt a vibration erupt in my hand. i flipped over my phone in excitement to know who it was, and quickly slid open my electric red phone. i read the message as sadness crashed over my fragile soul, and pierced straight into my heart.

"Oh plz.... Like u dont know! Ur such a bitch!"

i stood there, as my body literally felt like it was going to collapse at any moment. my mother looked at me and questioned if i was okay. i lied and said i was fine, as my face told a different story. i don't know why it hurt me so badly. i've heard much, much worse... but this time seemed to be one of the worst. i gave into the sadness and the feelings of despair; i let it devour me until i couldn't think clearly anymore.

i thought we were done with this. he made it blatantly clear that he was over me.but yet he still has his little minions trying to terrorize my soul and completely shatter my heart. they've done enough damage. can't they just go away? no, it won't. i assure you, it will never, ever end.

maybe it's time for me to accept what everyone is labeling me.
maybe i am what they are all labeling me.
this happy person i've transformed into is all just an act, and a lie.
i am slowly shaping into the rumors that are floating around about me. i was never, and will never be the good and happy person that i dream of being, and thought i was slowly becoming.

i will always and forever be hiding behind these labels and rumors people throw upon me.

why was i so stupid to think i could be any different?

xx

5 comments:

  1. You are so much more than what others say! Don't bother yourself with their labels, please don't believe them. You are worth so much, you are so much better than them. I am so sorry you feel the way you do but I just want you to know that you are an amazing person.
    *Sending much love your way*

    ~ Meg

    ReplyDelete
  2. Every word Meg has said was true... I just wanna kick their asses, and punch each and everyone in the face...

    Darling, please know that you are beautiful... you are worth a smile, a chance to be happy, a moment of peace, and a chance to love and be loved sincerely in return... Ignore every one else... Hold on to the ones worth holding... Cry, breathe, shout, but don't forget to smile in the end... Dear, please be well. Please be happy again... I love you... We all do...

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Please, please don't listen to them.
    You are so much more than a label.
    You can be that happy person.
    Maybe it's lies, maybe it's real.
    You just have to keep living it.
    We will always hit speed bumps, you just need to show them that you're stronger than them, show them you're better than them, show them you because you are wonderful.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. They don't know you. All they do is respect and grovel after him because they like him for the "wonderful" tormentor that he is. He puts the blame on you because he would rather hurt the person he once cared for so much instead of showing everyone his true self, his twisted soul. That's just messed up. He wants to hurt you and break you to pieces, even by trying to involve other people. But you know what? Even if it feels at times like he's succeeded... he hasn't. He NEVER will. You are a strong, beautiful girl with more guts and talent in your fingers alone than most people have in their whole body. You are NOT what they call you. You are NOT what they label you. You've made it this far. You still have friends, you can still laugh, you can still smile, even if its just to hide your pain. You can write so movingly. You have the voice of an angel. Your laugh makes others want to laugh with you. You have more good qualities than anyone could count, and if we made a list, it could go on and on forever...

    And yet they dare to call you what they did?

    They need to grow up now, or fix their own lives and situations before trying to wreck someone else's with their pitiful complaints. Going to such lengths to bring pain to someone they don't even know well enough to criticize?
    THIS is why they follow him. Birds of a feather flock together.

    You deserve the best. You always have and you always will, no matter what anyone else says. It's okay to cry. Your mom, your friends, your family, your blog-followers...

    We will all love and support you no matter what happens.

    Be strong. You are so wonderful in so many ways, and there's no way HE can ever change that, no matter what he and his boot-licking lackeys say. One day, he will realize how much time he's wasted, how stupid he's been, how horribly he's acted, and that he needs to really move on and forget about it. You know him better than I do, so maybe that will never happen, but just remember that conflicts like this, serious and painful as they may be, don't last forever... and you're not alone.

    I love you soooooooooooooooo much Ashley Ann Mortimer! Please don't give in!

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Meg; Oh you lovely soul; Thank you, thank you so much for your words. I absolutely adore your comments. You, my dear, are simply amazing and so very beautiful. Thank you. <3

    Haze; I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for your wonderful words. You always know exactly what to say and you are just so amazing. Thank you for your continuous comments. <3

    Heather; Thank you, oh so much. Every word you said is true. Sometimes I just get to the point where it seems there's no way to turn things around. But deep down inside I know there always is. You are incredible. Thank you for your comment. <3

    Becca; The love of my life. How did I get so lucky as to end up with a best friend like you? Oh your comments save my soul. As I was reading this comment the other morning I literally almost began to cry. You are so wonderful and wonderful to me, personally. I do not deserve such a perfect and wonderful friend, but somehow I have found you, and you have found me. I don't know what I'd do without you beside me everyday at school, my dear. You are truly one in a million. Thank you for absolutely everything you do for me. You are the best friend I could ask for. I love you with every single inch of my heart! <3


    Thank you all, I love you oh so, so, much. <3

    xx

    ReplyDelete

Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.

xx