Thursday, February 24, 2011

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements?

happiness is beautiful. life is beautiful. he is beautiful.
but even the strongest feelings of happiness can be crushed within seconds.

i was quickly walking to my fourth period class as the light breeze that danced around me left chills along my entire body. the breeze quickly turned into a full gust of wind and my bright blond hair flew over my face, blinding me; i could barely see anything through the strands of my hair. i tried to ignore it, but got irritated and forced it out of my eyes, so i could at least see. as i pulled the curtain of hair away from my teary eyes, i saw him. no, not the good him. i saw phil; the man who had caused my soul never-ending torture for months on end. i had seen him few times here and there after fully "moving on" and it didn't really effect me in the slightest. but today it did. he was walking all by himself, as the wind howled and roared. i could see all the pain, and horrifying demons dancing within his mind. his eyes carried such a heavy sadness within them, that it caused my big bright smile to quickly fade. my heart literally shattered into a million pieces, and i felt the darkness of my past slowly tap on my shoulder. don't let it get to you, ashley. just brush it away. but i couldn't. i ached for him. i wanted to run up to him and embrace him, just so he knew someone was there. i wanted to take all of his heart-wrenching pain, put it in a jar, and throw it out into the deep dark sea where only a fool could find it. i wanted him to feel loved, even if it was by someone he hated more than anything else. but i kept walking, as sadness slowly inched it's way throughout my body.

i arrived home, and didn't find much more happiness there. i had to go to honor choir, and planned on taking myself. but the car was broken down, of course. my dad ended up having to take me, and chills shot through my spine when i was informed of that. things with my dad have gotten significantly worse over the past year.
on saturday i was told to clean my bathroom, and my mom was going to do hers. my poor, sweet mother had a head ache the size of texas, and could hardly move without something on her hurting. i quickly hopped into her bathroom after doing my own, knowing that she should absolutely not have to clean her bathroom. all of the bending over, and harsh chemicals would just make her pain increase drastically. i tried to work quickly so she wouldn't know what i was doing, and come in and stop me. i fumbled through the items on the counter, trying to put things away that would get harmed by the cleaning supplies that i needed room for. i picked up a huge basket full of all sorts of things, while at the same time, i grabbed a huge stack of magazines that were my dads. the load became to heavy to carry, and all at once i attempted to move it, and the magazines collapsed to the floor, as their pages sprawled out all over the floor. my eyes bulged as i reached down to pick one of them up from off of the floor... it was a magazine full of skimpy and slutty women. i flipped through the pages, in search of something that my dad could have wanted this for, besides sickening sexual pleasure. but with every page i turned, i found more and more pictures. my heart sunk into my toes, and my fears were more alive than ever.
i wanted absolutely nothing to do with him anymore...
so as you can see, that was the main reason i was so afraid to ride with him alone that night in the car. i don't know where his mind is at anymore. i have absolutely no idea. but it terrifies me, and i can't even look at him without wanting to burst out crying. i never thought he would let himself stoop to that level...

it's one of those things that you think will never happen to you, or your family member. you always hear of poor teenage girls who have fathers that are sick pigs and drug addicts, and who could yell for hours on end and still have an abundance of anger within their souls. but, you never think that your sweet, gentle, and caring father could do such a thing... i know i certainly never imagined my own dad would turn into the monster he's become. i don't know who he is anymore. i honestly don't. he certainly isn't the kind gentlemen who used to tell me all of his wildest dreams, and kiss me every single night while i was sleeping, and he's certainly not the man who would take me to the park every sunday, just to put a smile upon my face.
but what really breaks my heart is to think of the hell that this whole family has been put through due to him. blowing all of our money on drugs for him, chewing tobacco, and who knows what else. he lies constantly and has trained himself to do it so much, that he doesn't know any better anymore. he lies about every single thing. he is so full of damaging anger and hatred, towards everything.
i never thought i'd see him so completely overtaken by his own anger, but it seems i can no longer deny it. he yells constantly at my mother, while she continues to be the only reason we still have a roof over our heads. i honestly can't believe some of the things he says to her sometimes. it breaks my heart, oh it just kills me. my mom deserves so much better. my brother deserves so much better. i, well... i don't deserve much better. but this my mother's only chance at life, and so far it's been pure hell. she doesn't have much longer to go... and she certainly doesn't get the option of choosing a new family. i think of how desperately i try to be good, so i can someday have a wonderful husband and family of my own. i think of how much i ache to be loved and adored by a man. and yet my mother has had that all taken away from her in the blink of an eye. but yet she's an angel. she doesn't deserve any of this. it literally tears me apart to think about it...
how can i sit here and be so selfish?
can i let myself sit here and plan this wonderful life, or even allow myself to be happy? i've pushed aside everyone's needs, and focused solely on myself. i've tried to improve myself and my life, while not paying attention to the people i love the most. oh, i am a selfish pig, and a horrible daughter. i just can't stand this anymore.

everything is crumbling down around me.
and i suppose that's why i'm so focused on this new beautiful, remarkable soul that has come into my life.
he is the only source of goodness i have, and i cling onto him so tightly, praying that he won't push me away and shove me into the ground as so many have before. he is the main reason for my sudden happiness, and constant smiles. just seeing his rich, dark brown eyes is enough to keep me happy for weeks. it astounds me how so much goodness can come from merely one soul. oh, he is truly remarkable.

i'm sorry if i frightened you with my post, yesterday. this probably makes it seem like nothing. i'll be fine, once the sadness slowly subsides. it won't be long before it vanishes back into the air.
i just can't pretend everything's okay all the time...

"Despite what you say about me, I'm still a person; I still cry sometimes."



  1. You're such a sensible, strong, brave person, Ashley. Your Mum must have these same qualities. God will help both of you find your peace. He will help sort it all out. Stay strong.

  2. ashleyy ann,
    i've failed as a best friendd. i had no idea it had goten worse. i'm so sorry dear, but you know i'm always here no matter what, i'm basically just down the streeet. don't ever hesitate to call me, or even show up at my door. ash, you DO deserve better then how you get treated, you deserve the best in the world, your such a talented girl, and an amazing friend, you don't deserve to have this constant sadness that fills your world. i'm here for you ash, and i love you so much.<3

  3. Dear Ashley. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the pain you feel, I'm sorry about how you think you're selfish, I'm sorry about your dad. Like you said, sometimes its impossible to imagine that things would ever come to this. Then, before our eyes, it happens, and its like we have no control of the walls breaking down around us. Some people know that feeling only too well, and it breaks my heart that you are one of those people that have to go through it. Your mom really is blessed to have you as her daughter, because without you, where would she be? You have grown up faster than other girls your age should, due to your circumstances. You have every right to feel the way you do. It's okay. It's okay...


  4. my dear Ashley, i do not know how many of your posts have bled my heart... i'm sorry that everything seems to be falling down... i'm sorry that this has to happen to another wonderful being aside from myself. yes, i've experienced it too, and the thought of it still leaves a pain in my heart excruciating down from my very soul.
    darling, we may not understand how it all happened and how they turned into monsters of strangers, we may not understand why it all HAVE to happen, but i hope you still find the reasons to stand up and stay strong... please hold on to whatever that makes you feel alive... and please always remember that you are not alone...
    i love you always... please, be well.

  5. Thank you, all of you.
    I would write individual responses but I'm just.. Too tired, I guess.
    I love you all, so very, very much.



Though I may not reply to all of your comments, I read each and every one of them.
Your words mean so much to me.