Wednesday, March 9, 2011

how do we carry on? i can't beyond that question.

she twirls and spins in various patterns, slowly tracing back and forth over her footprints that mark her past.
she watches her feet precisely, while they slowly dance in patterns of remorse and despair.
her heart feels like it could give in at any moment, as feelings of desperation seep into her soul and pierce straight into her
delicate heart.
she's crossed this path millions of times.
she can't seem to move on.
not even if her depended on it.
what's the use of moving on, when you can lose yourself in the majestic patterns of repetition?
for a moment, she was engulfed by a happiness so exceptionally beautiful; it seemed too good to be anything close to the truth.
the world was put on pause, and essentially, so was her life.
nothing else mattered. just this beautiful feeling of happiness that had miraculously found her aching soul.
it came in the form of chocolate brown eyes and delicate, pale skin.
a beauty unknown to a tortured soul, such as her. she was excited, overjoyed, and overwhelmed at the feelings that this simple soul gave her.
he was her exact definition of perfection.
but she can't run from the beast that resides within her s h a t t e r e d soul; constantly scratching at her heart and silently whispering words of discouragement into her mind.
she is nothing but a t o r n up newspaper gliding aimlessly through the blaring gusts of wind on the side of the cracked highway, leading to heaven knows where.
she could never obtain such beauty that this simple boy possesses.
she tries, over and over to justify his presence in her life.
she tries to believe that it could go somewhere.
she tries to tell herself she deserves this.
she uses all of the hope and faith she can obtain.
but she knows she's lying to herself.
she's nothing but a fool.
and yet, she still begs and pleads for a friendship that she, herself, knows she will never obtain.
she's never known how to keep moving forward.
it always ends like this...
she's only ever known the trail of footprints that lead to her past.
so she'll spin and twirl, slowly and silently, back into the life she used to know.
a life so full of hatred and pain.
she'll continue to watch her feet move precisely in the same majestic pattern that they always do.
she'll spin around, and around, and around...


  1. oh my dear Ashley, what happened?
    this broke my heart into millions of pieces... i thought you were ready to move on... it hurts me knowing that you still feel the pain in your heart and dream the same nightmare over and over again... please tell me you'll be okay... please be strong... and please hold on to that hope, and get a chance for yourself to be happy again... let your heart heal itself. i know it will, ashley. God knows you will. He will never give you something you cannot handle.

    if i can only hug you right now, you know i will...

  2. Oh, Ashley... It's so sad to know that the momentary happiness you felt was engulfed with these hidden feelings of hopelessness and sadness. You do not deserve the hatred or the pain that has come into your life. The scars of your past are like open wounds. Like dear Haze said, let your heart heal itself. You are a wonderful, beautiful soul and you do not deserve this pain. You may be forced to retrace the footsteps of your past over and over, but you have the choice of turning around and walking a new path too, when the time is right.

    You're no fool. I love everything about you Ashley and it breaks my heart to know you're in so much pain. :'(

    Happiness came to you before. Catch it in your hands and let it fly again. You deserve it more than anyone, without a doubt. Please be okay.


  3. The past has so many of us so stuck up. Sit in front of a mirror. Look at the person there. Do you see the good you do each day? Try harder. See it. The boy is no fool, right? He was drawn to your niceness.


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