Monday, March 21, 2011

i don't know who i am.

i want to fly away, freely and gently.
i want to feel the cool breeze dance around my body, and weave in and out of my hair. i want to leave my troubles far behind, and scatter my worries across a great wide field, for some other fool to find. the weight of the world is too much for my shoulders to bear.
i want to feel weightless.
but i am constantly weighed down by the immovable weights placed directly on my shattered wings.

day by day, things come and go.
but i remain the same.
i tease myself with happiness, s t r e t c h i n g my aching arms out, trying to grasp it so tightly...
but it quickly gets snatched away from my shaking hands, by sick masochistic demons that linger within my soul and mind.
everyday there's something new that stabs into my chest, and every minute i seem to damage someone else's life, bringing them an immense amount of sadness.
i have no intent purposes to destroy souls, or even cause them the slightest bit of sadness, but it seems i've completely lost control of my life altogether.

each day, sounds of menacing actions drive me absolutely insane, and send me tumbling to the floor in various pools of tears.
i can't stand the sound of the two people who gave me life, constantly attack each other verbally. i can't handle hearing whispered rumors about me throughout the schools of the hellish place i attend school. i'm sick of getting on the bus and hearing the snickering laughter of the people who have destroyed my existence, and ultimately my heart and soul. and i can't even begin to tell you how much i have learned to hate the sound of popping lids on pill bottles...
pop, pop, pop.
i'd rather here screeching nails on a dark green chalkboard any day.

my soul can't fight these constant battles anymore.
my wings are damaged, broken, destroyed, and useless.

i have no where to run, and no one to run to...

so here i will stay, quietly begging on my scraped and damaged knees, for someone to come along and help me put myself back together, as my heart aches in remorse. i will continue to plead silently, day by day, to obtain the strength to learn how to soar through the endless sky once again.


i saw my best friend for the first time in two years last friday.
it was simply magical. his soul is even more beautiful than i imagined.
i'll post about it sometime when i don't feel so weighed down by sadness.
as you can guess, that happiness was taken away instantly.
i don't deserve happiness.



  1. Everyone deserves to be happy.
    Especially you.

    You write so beautifully. Don't ever stop weaving your magic words.

    Xx. Lillie

  2. I'm so sorry Ashley.

    You have every right to feel the way you do, after all that's happened and seems to continue to happen to you every day. You don't deserve to have to hide the pain behind your beautiful smile. You don't deserve to have to deal with the IDIOTS who think they know what's going on and who you are. You don't deserve to have to sit and listen to the yelling and popping and accusing...

    I guess I can't really understand what you're going through or how you feel... but you mean the world to me, and I want to do whatever I can to help. Someday when the wounds of your heart have healed and it all ends (and it WILL), I'll still be here, and so will you.

    Of all the people that deserve even the smallest ray of happiness in this crazy, messed up world of ours... it's you, Ashley Ann. I don't doubt it one bit. My best friend, my sister, my inspiration, my angel...

    Please be okay.


  3. for now, darling, i will not say anything to you... not even a word to curse those rude people... no babe, as to not worsen your feelings...

    but i want you to know that i'm here for you... we all are... and we care.

    i know you'll find happiness soon... God has a better plan for you... you just have to be strong for now... :)

  4. Your writing is beautiful, dear. I wish you the best of luck in life. Please, remember the little things. Happy girls are beautiful ones. Savor each moment and smell the roses.



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