Sunday, October 30, 2011

weighed down.

confined to this small little house, where hate seeps through each and every window.
stuck in this body that is too big for my reckless soul. 
suffocated by the chains that bind me to the world. 
with each passing day, i disgust myself more and more.
but how could this be so, with my personal inspiration covering the walls, and lining the hallways?
my face, plastered on the bright screen, discussing the perverse ways of body images in society; speaking of hope and inspiration for those with eating disorders.
yet i here i sit, day after day, contemplating every. single. crumb. that enters my system.
driving myself completely mad because i'll never be good enough for society.
constantly absorbed in my thoughts of my own body.
it's easy for someone skinny to talk about how we can fix this issue,
but it's different when a two ton whale gets on the screen and tries to talk about it.

most days, i just want to end it all. 
to just hurl my body off of a tall building, or jump out at the last second in front of a speeding car.
because life is hard, and difficult. but death is peaceful, and easy...
 & and at least the claws of society would no longer be constantly scratching at my insecurities.

what an idiotic hypocrite i've become.
i can't even fool myself anymore.


  1. you are one of the prettiest girls i know, ashley. you are beautiful inside and out. it pains me knowing you are hurt. and i will always, always be praying for you.

  2. Dear Ashley,

    I won't pretend to understand what you're going through or how you feel. I can't even imagine the pain. But what I can do is promise that you are beautiful, wonderful, and special, in so many ways. You amaze me everyday, whether its with your wise and mature outlook on life, or even the way you remember little things. The way you listen to others with an open heart and an open mind. The expert way you apply your makeup, do your hair, or wear your clothes. The rare and natural beauty you possess. Your skill with photography. Your eye for beautiful words and pictures. How you can make people laugh and smile easily. The limitless talent I see whenever you write something, anything at all. I could go on forever. But the thing that impresses me about you most of all, is your incredible emotional strength. After all this, you're still standing. And that's a truly wonderful thing. You have a right to think the thoughts your thinking now, but I know that you're not the kind of person to just quit after going so far. And you want to be there for ones you love because you know they would be lost without you.

    And as for society, and this crazy world we live in— no one is ever good enough for society. Absolutely no one. It's our own standards that we should hold ourselves to, if that makes sense. Don't be blind to the world, but don't be blind to your own qualities either. The good thing about being human is that we can change if we need to. We can change the way we think or how much we weigh or how we see the world if we really give it our all. Life is ridiculously hard. No one gets out of it unscathed. I know you'll make it through this part and find happiness and love that are well worth the wait.

    Maybe I'm just rambling, maybe my words are empty. I just want you to know that while you may think you're fooling yourself, or that you'll never be good enough or that it will never get easier...

    We'll be standing here behind you, ready to listen to your words, pray for you, cheer you on, and carry you on our shoulders.

    Love you always Ashley <3

  3. these are beautiful but haunted words. You and I, we've grown together, found our light together, held hope in our palms together, despite being connected through this seemingly disconnected world of blogging. So I must say, when in your darker days, please hold onto your light, because you have a shining, ethereal beauty within you, that I do so dearly love. And know, that I am always here, if you so choose to reach out for a hand to hold.



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