Sunday, April 28, 2013

What I Know.

It was all such a mess.
I didn't want to believe that it was all happening.
But the whispers grew into piercing cries full of mockery and ridicule.
I spent so many sleepless nights trying to come up with a solution.
A new idea.
A different way.
Something to get the voices of hate to turn back to the way they were before:
Encouraging, kind, and patient.
But it's amazing what a little bit of time and insecurity can do.
It can turn the sweetest souls into the vilest creatures.

3 a.m. began to feel like home.
My own home was a war zone, with deep, endless battle scars lining each and every wall;
my walls knew far more about me than any other person.
My Mother's heart had grown so weary, and I couldn't hardly lift her spirits, anymore.
Just the mere thought of school sent a chill up my spine.
School work was hard enough, I didn't need the sadistic laughter and destructive rumors.
The one place I thought I could rely on to provide some stability proved only to fail me,
in the end.

A group of immature faces that I had known for years, some since birth, gathered around me.
Once one boy began the jokes, another joined in.
Soon, nearly everyone in the room was turned toward me, pointing fingers and exuding their mockery from every single inch of their body.
Effortlessly, I begged for them to see how it really was,
but nobody understands anymore.
Nobody cares that much.
I looked amidst the faces, just praying that I would find someone to defend me.
I had one face in particular that I knew I could count on.
Yet, there she stood in all of her glory; my best friend, pointing and laughing, just as the others were.
My chest caved in, to the point that I couldn't quite remember how to breathe or speak.
I just wanted to run away and sob.
All of my efforts had failed.
In fact, they had backfired and smacked me right back in the face.

Through what seemed to be endless tears, I begged my Mother to never make me go back.
I threw out realistic soltuions as my soul grew so painfully weary and tired.
Once I regained control of the pools of tears pouring from my face,
I told the only person left, that I trusted.

I was scared he might think I was so foolish for making such a big deal about a seemingly small issue.
Instead, he listened so intently and sincerely.
He told me that we didn't need to stay for the evening,
and we began driving, with no set destination.
All I knew was that I had to get away from this hell hole.

As the evening began to die down, I thought I had finally come to terms with my emotions.
But my phone became illuminated with a message from my Father that provided hope, but pushed me right back over the edge.
Before I knew it, we were on the side of a random road, with the car off, and I was sobbing to the point that I couldn't even keep up with the tears falling off of my cheeks.
Stop crying.
I told myself over, and over, and over again.
But I couldn't stop.
I couldn't hardly speak more than two words before my breath was completely taken away from my lungs, and more tears began to fall.
However, so many things were running through my head, I probably wouldn't have made sense, anyway.
All I could seem to muddle out was,
       "I don't know. I don't know what to do. I just don't know."

Lately, I don't know much of anything.
I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.
I don't know if my Mom is going to make it.
I don't know where my Dad is truly staying.
I don't know if I'm going to make it through this year.
I don't know if I truly have any friends, left.
Running away from everyone is the only thing I seem to be good at, anymore.

But, I have a person to trust and love, who loves me. 
And that's all I know, with absolute certainty.  

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